Amish Online Dating

my good friend shannon came across the following website:

http://amish-online-dating.com/

i am pretty positive that it's not real (although one can dream). obviously upon this discovery, i immediately created an account. it took the about 12 hours to send me a confirmation email, which makes me doubt their validity. they finally got back to me, and here is what i have to fill out to create my profile:

Create Your Profile

One more step: tell the people on AmishOnlineDating.com - Vista 2nd Edition more about yourself. Questions marked with a lock are private and only visible to administrators.

* indicates a required question

Full Name *

Profile Photo *

Upload a Photo (GIF, JPG or PNG; limit 10MB)

What is the tradition behind the amish beard explain.? *

What would be the perfect amish date? *

How familar are you with lanterns? *

What's your favorite amish sport? *

What is your favorite electronic toy device? *

Who or What would you expect at a amish laugh festival in Hollywood, *

Do you want us to notify you when your photo is on our front page ?!? [links to your twitter.com/yourname] *Private

Would you want a hand made Amish Online Dating Tshirt? [$9] 1 - 4 week ship. *Private

Would you want a hand made Apod? [$89] 1 - 4 week ship. *Private

If Corn Husk 4 your mom is carrying 8 eggs with in his blue trousers, at 5:20 in the morning while jogging at a speed of 12 miles an hour, southwest in sandels, then stops and has a colorful corn conversation with mary jo's sisters, best friends, aunts, daughters, mother... How many eggs would Jacob Husk have eatin? *Private

thoughts?

Wolf Obsession Continues...

http://www.everythingwolf.com/shop/productdetails.aspx?ProductID=886

BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE HOME GOODS!

actually they're boring, but the jackets are CLUTCH.

"Beautiful howling graphics"

"Let your Children keep toasty warm with the Wolves"

"You could nestle right in between them"

mm...wolf motorboating?

NIKE GOT COOLER?!

in case you didn't know, something cooler than dunks now exists thanks to nike.com.

go there now. watch the video with the puppets. you'll be glad.

this is coming from someone whose livejournal username was "puppetburner".

...i was in middle school.

Weekly Pic Picks

best license plate (my favorite blog theme):

it says "1WARLOK" and this guy has a massive beard. even his suspenders are camo. does he know what a warlock is? i think i met a real witch once. i bet everyone has and just doesn't know it.

a leopard lovers moment:

for those of you that don't know, that is my stepdad. this is the most normal thing he has ever done. i wish i was kidding.

...really.

oldest mohawk sighting (a title i wish was more commonplace):

with a cameo by the other leopard lover, my mom. thanks for helping to make this phonepic less obvious. this guy was ancient and a bonified badass.

and the moment you have all been waiting for...

chicken purse. I AM READY FOR 2010!!! and a quick update - i recently mentioned that i thought my mom was getting me a seal for christmas. i came to this suspicion because said gift had to be delivered on foot and seemed to be very secretive and blackmarket-related.

it actually turned out to be a competition hula hoop.

champion ahoy.

May All Your Dreams Come True

jackpot:

http://www.everythingwolf.com/shop/productslist.aspx?CategoryID=11

what i got for christmas:

a purse made out of a rubber chicken

"sense and sensibility"

a poncho

best discovery:

my neighbors own a peacock

best decoration:

happy holidays to you and yours (even the blacks)!

Sweet Little Golden-Haired Baby Jesus

i'm a little drunk.

i ate a lot of ham.

my parents just got a strobe light and handcuffs as christmas presents from their friends.

illegal fireworks are about to commence.

christmas, eve, ya'll.

Holly Jolly

best news report quote of snowmageddon:

"people are WALKING in the STREETS"

what a panic these past few days have been for the general populus of northern virginia. other states actual prepare for this kind of weather...only here does school get canceled simply if it's too cold or there is torrential rain. imagine what happens in an ACTUAL weather emergency.

i decided that all traffic laws became void. if anyone has seen the riot scene in "hot rod", therein lies my inspiration. i also imagined i was in "day after tomorrow" a lot, which worked really well because i've never actually seen the film. i mean, the snow plowing contraptions only cleared one lane on three or four-lane roads and completely disregarded the yellow lines. even the double ones! which led me to do the following:

1. not stop at any stop sign

2. go as fast as possible on unplowed roads, imaging exploration of foreign tundras. this led to driving on the wrong side of the road if said part of road was more plowed than others.

3. turn LEFT on red

4. park in a bus lane

5. not pay for my parking meter...for 6 hours

6. almost rear end someone

7. drive through a 4 foot deep river created by melted snow

8. forsake snow plows and floor it

9. honk and bully people until i get what i want

10. cross four lanes at once to make an exit, and cross two lanes in dc to make an illegal right turn

and i didn't get in trouble. at all. and i'm positive cops witnessed some of this.

what i'm trying to say is...if you didn't break any laws in the past few days, you missed a golden opportunity.

This Just In...

this snow storm (which will be in steady continuation for the next 12 hours) is now being called "snowmageddon" and "snowpocalypse".

i like to call it "holy shit that's a lot of snow and i'm starting to get bored".

http://www.americablog.com/2009/12/snowpocalypse.html

Blizzarded In

good old northern virginia...

luckily i don't hate it here, because it looks like i am stuck here for at least the rest of my life.

(i really do hate it, but i'm going for "positive thinking" so that santa gives me presents).

12 inches and still going strong!

things i plan to do in the snow today:

1. avoid it

2. get bored of that, make a music video of "all i want for christmas" with at least 4 gay guys

3. eat it

4. pretend to drown in it

5. rescue myself

6. take a nap. inside. not in the snow. this isn't really part of the list.

Start Spreadin the Newzzz

just got to scottsville, which took a really long time because i took I-81 NORTH and not south...

went to new york for the weekend with jack, glen and katie. i love it there and cannot wait to get out of the burg... although the burg has plenty of crazies, new york always tops them.

top 3:

1. as i was getting off the subway, a man holding a child's plastic suitcase shouted "MAGAZINE!!!" at me. i wasn't sure what this meant, so i turned around. he was just smiling and waving at me.

2. some man shouted "hey" at katie. she looked at him. he asked, "do you have a towel?" ..."a what?" "a TOWEL" and started rubbing his own arm.

3. as i was going down the subway steps, a man asked me to be his girlfriend. he was very determined and tried following me but didn't have a subway card.

the man that asked me what shampoo i use gets an honorable mention.

this was probably my favorite new york trip so far because we were on absolutely no schedule. our group split up a lot to meet other friends or do something different. glen wasn't around much because he was visiting lost colony buddies at wagner on staten island. one morning when we were walking around central park, he kept calling us but when we called back it went straight to voicemail.

we came to the conclusion that his phone was dying and he was trying really hard to get a hold of us. finally, we got to talk to him. he only had enough battery left to spit out "I'M AT A STARBUCKS!". probably the most vague clue you could ever give in the big apple.

i never saw him again, but i'm sure he's fine.

Play With Me

i need a baby animal. right now. i want a kitty or puppy to play with and cuddle with and who eats all of my homework. the fact that i am wishing this during finals week tells a lot about my baby animal need. i won't even get mad when people comment on my profile picture of said animal to say "i can haz cheezburger?" and other annoying things.

obviously a baby seal would be ideal.

mom: if you are reading this, you should know i have a shopping cart that i am more than willing to convert into a portable seal carrier in the form of a rolling bathtub.

this post was necessary because i recently found out that my christmas gift cannot be mailed and is being delivered on foot through a chain of mutual friends...

leading me to believe it must be a portable, not to mention illegal, creature of an adorable nature.

Exam Edition

i personally enjoy the whiteboards around campus. this one is entertaining due not only to "lisa" and her actions, but the reference to a great youtube video that jean smith was obsessed with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA

the red writing was already there, but i added the orange ("save the children, but not the british children!"). also notice someone reminiscing about thanksgiving, and an attempt at spelling "radiation" phonetically.

another great whiteboard sighting was found in one of carrier's study rooms. it stated:

"china

- caused the great wall to happen"

and that's it. both inaccurate and too brief to be of any use on a test.

so, i wish all you readers good luck during this last week of the semester, and all you other non-student readers a beautiful exam-free week. be on the lookout for mental breakdowns, unusual amounts of snow, and other unacademic whiteboard writings. i'll be taking a brief hiatus from watching biddies because i need a 100% on my exam to pass my class.

peace and love!

Home Sweet...WTF

i've never been at my new house in scottsville for an entire 24 hours before. i've now been here since wednesday afternoon. i had no idea a one-restaurant/one-gas station town could be so unusual and action-packed.

let's start with thanksgiving.

there's me and the leopard lovers (my parents).

greg's sister, rita, and her husband gordon were also here. i've never known two people over the age of 4 to be so helpless and inquisitive.

then there's inar. inar drove a taxi cab until he was 40 and then decided to take the LSAT's just for kicks out of the blue.

he aced them and now lives in a penthouse in arlington.

then there's juba and his wife chris. juba is a schizophrenic who thinks there are spies living in his teeth and can wittle an exact replica of your face in under ten minutes. they have an extravagant garden, and like to make very interesting concoctions such as goat cheese + butternut squash casserole. which is spectacular.

then there's joey vegas, who is the lead guitarist in the band "The Seedz" (coming soon to the pub in harrisonburg). he just stopped by for pie.

then there's chris KYLE and his girlfriend, jen, who makes herbal remedies and tonics. she gave me a wine bottle full of an herbal tea that i'm supposed to take a shot of three times a day.

apparently some guy named river stopped by, but i did not have the pleasure.

there was much shouting and absurdity throughout the meal.

today was black friday. the seedz were playing a set at the one restaurant/bar in town called 330. greg stepped in for bass. they sounded great, actually. this is my plug to get all you youngfolks to the pub.

but...

the PEOPLE in scottsville. are insane. our thanksgiving meal was just a taste of the eclectic mix of hillbillies and the clinically insane that comprise this small town.

a few examples of WTF are:

john grisham is apparently my neighbor.

dave matthews has a vineyard a block away. and everyone hates him here because he doesn't tip and steals coffee from the gas station.

a woman at the end of the road claimed she was related to anastasia (yeah...the princess) until she died. turns out she was wrong.

the only black guy in town (eddie) was in tina turner's band. and he is the shit. he was at the bar tonight, too.

now...let's talk about the bar. it is heavily populated by people in head to toe camouflage. there is also an elderly home down the street. the old biddies love to come and dance. one of them, margaret, insisted that the lead singer of the band dance with her. and boy, she held on tight. apparently she once mistook my stepdad for elvis. and apparently my parents then invited her to see cirque du soleil with them.

overwhelmed by mullets and outdated clothing, i go to the bathroom. i find a pair of glasses and turn them in to the bartender who says, "i know who THESE belong to..."

i find my mom. apparently some women was hitting on greg while i was gone and greg told her about my mom. so this lady, named cheryl, comes over and drunkenly tries to decide which blonde is the elizabeth greg referred to. her options are me and my mom.

she could not figure out which one of us would logically be married to a 55 year old man.

so i point her in the right direction.

she starts apologizing profusely. the awkward levels were off the chart, so i pretended to make a phone call outside (my phone was dead). when i return, i see cheryl grinding on an 80 year old man. cheryl is wearing mardi gras beads (which she earned) and a tanktop showing off her impressive potbelly. she is also sporting a tramp stamp.

"hi, my name is cheryl, and i'm an alcoholic."

then the bartender comes over and gives my mom her phone that greg left somewhere.

guess who returned the phone? cheryl. so i guess we are even steven now.

the seedz have been playing this whole time. a man is sitting on the edge of the stage and my mom tells me that he was in bill clinton's secret service personnel and only has weeks to live.

next, we meet chris. he's the new bouncer for the 330. he tells us he has a collection of antique tractors.

one hundred and sixty antique tractors.

before i know it, i'm taking a shot of my herbal remedy and getting ready to head home. as i'm grabbing my things, i hear the seedz dedicate the next song to The Titanium Woman (who is indeed a real woman made mostly of metal due to a tragic horseback riding accident).

then i headed on home.

Pan Loco

today i received a coupon for free crazy bread with crazy sauce.

whatever that means.

mostly i was weirded out because it was pretty obvious i was trying to avoid the coupon giver, but she came right at me. crazy bread makes ya crazy.

also a few good harrisonburg license plates to mention (sorry for no pictures):

PDIDDY

JLO VAN

i think i like JLO VAN the best because two ancient ladies were driving it. they weren't even latina.

get ready to see an article on biddiewatch in the breeze when school commences again!

i'm putting this on here so my dad can see it haha

Needs More Eggnog

the other night i went to ham's after the note-oriety concert with lisa and emma. we were wearing our black dresses, bedroom slippers and flannel shirts because we forgot to bring coats. while eating a cookie skillet, a guy came to our table and sat next to me. he was trying to win a bet with his buddies that he would sit at our table for over a minute. i knew this would be a good blog post.

but it turns out it isn't because he was pretty boring.

his name was alex, goes to uva, and he was drunk. oh and his major is P.E. (that's what he said), which is physical education, because it's the easiest major offered at the university. he doesn't even like children.

then he wanted us to join his table.

i would have if he had been either more drunk or more interesting.

we left.

Mankind Mayhem

well, writing about my parents is slightly more difficult now that my mom is reading this. hey mom!

but i would just like to casually mention that my mother was a pimp for halloween. i wish more than anything that i could post a picture of this.

thought i'd write tonight because i realized i had a very bizarre experience earlier.

i was entering burrus hall for a riveting biological anthropology class. there were a lot of people around, which was weird. and in the entryway there was a folding table set up with two girls behind it. one of them asked me if i would like to sign up. sign up for what? i ask.

"uh...i don't...know."

i swear the girl got abducted by aliens between those two sentences. her eyes went blank and she looked shocked that i would ask. the other girl complimented my scarf. then, in a fit of awkwardness, i booked it into my classroom. when i came out they and the table were gone.

then later, on my way to buffalo wild wings (for all you acronym-happy folk, "bdubs"), i saw about 50 people dressed in eighties clothing or wrapped in saran wrap running across south main three times and then huddling on the quad.

so, ya know.

Halloween?

well, halloween weekend was really not as badass as one would expect. but some people were still dressed to impressed...weeks before the actual holiday.

i would say kroger is the number one destination for weirdness this halloween season. there you can not only find crazy old folks that refuse to buy baked goods (when you're that old, does it even matter anymore?), but crazy other people as well.

i would like to give an honorable mention to the twenty-something of ambiguous gender dressed as a jester. keep in mind halloween weekend was a week away at the time...and it was a member of a family group of sorts, among which no one else was dressed up. it reminded me of a child refusing to take off their batman costume.

the runner-up of the past couple of weeks would be the couple emerging out of the forest on reservoir road. not on halloween. but on a road. then they started running in the other direction - probably back into the magical world from whence they came. planet earth is not ready for princess peach and the joker to be a couple.

and now the moment you've all been waiting for: the best dressed of october 2009.

note: the fabulous legs...the accessories...the...masculinity?

the best part about everything below is that this was NOT a costume. he was way too good at walking in heels. he was struttin' his stuff like nobody's business in harrisonburg's most conservative grocer (kroger). one must wonder how many old people bit the dust in the frozen food section that day. "them newfangled crossdressers..."

talent is wasted on our podunk town.

Strugpost

this blog is called biddiewatch, but i never actually talk about the ones i see...

let me just say that this girl in my class is ORANGE. she looks like an oompa loompa, or someone that was drowned in sunny delight. i can't even look at her straight because it is so alien-like. from the back she looks perfectly normal, with platinum blonde hair and juicy couture sweatpants.

this reminds me of a time i went to the movies. a girl's face was 12 different shades of tan because she was so makeup-challenged...she looked like a muddy orphan.

obviously nothing interesting has happened to me lately, but the other day when i got gas the woman who worked there came out to speak to me. she told me i was big pimpin' with a car like that. "girl, you pimpin' it! keep on pimpin' it."

she is probably my biggest fan.

shout out to originals because it's the funniest damn show in existence.

Swine Flu

today i took my friend stephanie to the hospital because she was feeling really sick. i thought i had a cold, so i decided to get checked out too.

turns out i have swine flu.

i honestly would not have gotten checked out if i didn't already have to go there.

so i'm on tamiflu. it should help decrease symptoms, but side effects include death.

...

they gave me an instructional packet and a note to miss school for 5 days. actually they forbade me to go anywhere for 5 days. the packet reminds me to wear my seatbelt.

...

and tells me what to do if i have lost my spleen.

that's not a joke.

"if you have lost your spleen...go see a doctor."

there is no hope for me.

Weather

a few nights ago i had a dream that i was in some elaborate magical place, not unlike super mario galaxy. it was imperative that my companions and i eat something in order to survive and before us appeared a 711-esque shelf. our only options were any variety of those toast-chee crackers - pb&j, cheddar peanut butter, cheese on cheese...

and they all cost the same amount. 69 cents. even large packages.

in other news, i saw my breath tonight when i stopped to get gas. go away!

My Life Is Enchanted?

what you are about to hear/see is true, although the photo quality may lead you to believe otherwise.

last week as i was traveling to my vehicle from school, i had to pass by the construction site for the performing arts building. i'm used to seeing weird things here, such as sloppy joe delivery trucks and cyborg construction men. but none of this prepared me for what happened next. i heard some scurrying, and i saw a woodland creature running away from me between tires and hunks of metal. i thought it was sonic the hedgehog at first, but then the truth was revealed.
a real, live BEAVER.
with a blue tail.
it is currently living in a burrow made from plastic pieces and tarps.
and it has a blue tail.
it is very fast.
but responds to the name quinton.

that is its head.

if you look very closely you will see its buck teeth. and BLUE TAIL. note its elaborately constructed burrow.

Textbook Malfunctions

mistake #1:
GENG American Lit. Class
"Well!," ejaculated Miss Miller. (She proceeds to "lower her parasol" - to block something, perhaps?)
^ compliments of Brittany Young.

what's wrong?
a woman is ejaculating.

mistake #2:
French Class
american in example: karine aspel
frenchman in example: james davidson
^ compliments of me actually doing homework.

what's wrong?
unrealistic. call me racist.

Happy New Year!

coming soon:

biddiewatch video blog.

i plan on auditioning for things on campus that i have absolutely no experience in. tune in to see me audition for mozaic this thursday!

(mozaic = badass hip hop dance group. i got the kicks, but i ain't got the swagga.)

the other day i waited for brittany to go to the bathroom in walmart, which is an adventure in and of itself. as i was waiting, i noticed that they put item recalls on a nearby bulletin board. i began to read, and made some horrific discoveries:

as if we didn't poison the ocean enough, this boogie board contains excessive amounts of lead. what looks like a harmless water transportation device is really a silent killer amongst children that convince their parents to purchase such souvenirs. or amongst children that are too stupid to swim in a public pool. in which case we may as well eliminate them.

now we move on to an item i actually own. woops. this item was recalled because overheating of the water tank could lead to a FIRE HAZARD. thank you walmart - i never would have categorized an iron as a fire hazard.

it is really too bad they recalled these shoes, because they are comfortable and JMU-y. i would know because i purchased them a year ago. and they just now decided to recall them because (gasp) the heel could potentially break off and cause you to fall.

...

i wonder if they sent this memo to victoria's secret. probably the models all wear sneakers on the runway now. safety first.

i saved the most disturbing for last. "a pressure build-up can cause the machine to suddenly come apart, possibly leading to injury." yes, folks, this coffeemaker will SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. in my opinion, the only legitimate recall. meanwhile, the government must brainstorm another way to assassinate coffee-loving communist dictators throughout the world.

Party Mode, Engage.

I don’t understand why facebook forces you to type the words “levine earfuls” or “99 koala kids” in order to post a link in your status.

This week has been camp college. Camp college is where all of the delinquent children are sent to accomplish ridiculous things they won’t remember as a reward for sitting around doing nothing for the past three months. It is an astoundingly beautiful thing. It is tradition to be hammeration every single night so as to build up your alcohol tolerance before the actual school year begins. Because school is just a lie we tell our parents to live in paradise for thousands of dollars a semester.

I decided to go against this golden rule and take a night off, but still attend hammertime events. Since I was not drinking, I decided to make things interesting by creating a new identity for myself, along with brandon duncan.

I was Kaylee, the new freshman smad major from spotswood OMGLAWL!

And brandon was Roger, the exchange student from new zealand who was gay at some parties, and straight at others.

Oh and at one point josh eflin introduced himself as Harry.

Things were going swimmingly, seeing as how the hammered loooved brandon’s accent. I was mostly ignored as a run-of-the-mill girl in jean shorts who decided to drink despite original intentions.

Until this girl runs over yelling at brandon (as roger). “my friends don’t believe that you are british! Tell them! I know you are!”

“actually mate, I’m from new zealand.”

“I told you guys! Lolzdrunx”

A short bald guy overheard this conversation.

“so you’re from new zealand?”

“yeh, I’m just here for the year as an exchange student.”

“wow! So you must really love rugby? I’m on the rugby team here. Dude, you should totally come out and play ::beerpong shot::!!! What do you think of so-and-so getting traded? Did you know the new league just incorporated quidditch rules?”

“I know I can’t believe it!”

“yeah! Definitely come play.”

“I might watch.”

“you have to play! You’d kick everyone’s ass! So what’s your major?”

“I um yeah I’m a theater major.”

...

“oh. So this could all be just a lie then? Because you’re a theater major? Good at accents?”

“NO OF COURSE NOT G2G”

So we left.

Next party:

I meet a girl named nikki who is a freshman, and her roommate shivanne.

We talk for ten minutes about our majors, why we are afraid of the first day, what our dorms are like, what my roommate is like, how we know the people at this party, and that we should try to meet up for frog events the next day.

These girls just love kaylee.

But then disaster strikes - all of madison project shows up at this party.

And I tell those girls that I went to high school with every single one of them. Then josh shouts “ALLISON!” across the room. But people still called me kaylee.  And now I have new friends.

I leave.

The next day I go to dinner at a friend’s house. I start to tell this story, and a guy at the table I did not know says “I KNEW YOU LOOKED FAMILIAR!”

And I had to tell him and his friends that the entire thing was a lie.

So, lesson learned. People will totally believe you as long as you are not a theater major. But they will find you at a dinner party the next day.

^ I was ready to post all of that until the story continued. Last night I went to a 6 kegger in pheasant run, and guess who’s there? One of the guys from dinner, AND nikki and shivanne. I say what’s up to the girls and leave them alone with meghan verducci. They ask meghan if she is my roommate and she says no. The girls ask her if she’s a freshman and she says no. They say “oh but allison is a freshman!” and meghan says “I have no idea what you are talking about.” so my cover is potentially blown on all accounts.

I pass by the dinner guy with the girls in view. He asks me for my name again and I start to say allison, but then catch myself. “kaycee - I mean, kaylee!”. Luckily or unluckily the girls overheard. I think I’m gonna tell them the truth so we can actually be friends.

20,000 students at this school...and I keep seeing the same three.

EsCARgot

Found this gem while cleaning my desktop:

sometimes always when you escape something bad, something else comes to find you.

there is more than one reason why i should be suffering from swine flu right now. i'm not. clutch. but instead, the fates decided our car should die on the middle of the highway in france only 45 minutes away from home. after driving in traffic for 5 hours.

so.

everyone is fighting and i'm just trying to sleep it off, but we somehow manage to find an SOS phone after we've veered off the highway. we call for help. 30 minutes of eating all the food in our car later (survival strategy), the truck appears. towtrucks here are WAY sweeter. the cabin fits at least 6 people legally - classy. on our way to the place where dead cars go (not heaven), we pick up another towtruck driver (why? doesn't he have a truck?) and some smelly french woman. stereotypes aside, she smelled like she was at least 50 years past her due date. and she was only middle-aged.

she sits next to me.

we go to rusty car central, and i don't know what's going on because i don't know any car words in french. so instead i stand outside in the bitter cold (i swear the temperature dropped 2 degrees specifically for this occasion) and watch my little sisters have teddy bear battles in the parking lot. probably shouldn't have let them play there, but the coast looked clear.

i decide to go inside and see what's going on. olivia comes and spills a stack of papers everywhere. guess she's my sister after all.

then i realize the towtruck driver we picked up is actually a real person and the husband of ms. smelly. he's talking to the guy at the desk and here's a picture to prove it:

so i guess it's mr. and ms. crack now. but ms. crack gets all of this sandwich stuff out of her car. a baguette, meat, cheese, mustard, and lays it out in this common area place. i am eating bacon chips from england. i'm fascinated that they have all of these supplies on hand. but they are not eating any of it. so i get bored and leave.

back to past tense now?

i come outside to find my dad having a serious heart to heart with mr. crack. they are circling the lot together. then my stepmom tells me not to ever trust men. wise.

we are stranded. the french cracks give us some apricots. i guess their car broke down because it was actually a farm.

still no one has eaten that baguette. i'll spoil the end of the story for you - they never eat it.

Finally, another towtruck comes and he drives us all the way back to switzerland. But it is illegal for him to be in switzerland past midnight, so we are crunched for time.

Wait - illegal?

We park our car in the middle of the road when we get there because parking is a vicious cycle in geneva. We almost towed someone so we could have a spot, but the guy was gonna turn into a pumpkin if he did not leave.

Prime example of quick escalation - a nine hour journey that ended with a lot of wine.

and then the next morning we found out that

OUR CAR HAD EXPLODED IN A FREAK GASOLINE ACCIDENT!!!!!!!!!!

Pets

it has crossed my mind that maybe i should get a pet. or it has crossed my mind that i really want a pet even through it's a horrible idea considering i can't even do my homework.

but i figure the best option for me is a seal. a seal is like a dog that lives in the water. but it doesn't have to live in the water. i can keep it in my bathtub and sneak into copper beech pool at night. we would be best friends and i would have another excuse to eat too much sushi.

but on the other hand "happy feet" portrays seals as vicious animals. what is the truth? is the aquarium a lie? this, my friends, concerns me. an animated film lies between me and my dreams. then again, isn't tara reid in "happy feet"?

that's it really.

Swedes

Do not worry, I come bearing awesome england tales.

But they will have to wait.

Today I flew from manchester to marseilles. First of all, there was no way of telling whether or not my dad knew this. Montpellier and marseilles are alliteration kindred. But the catch here is that my bag had to weigh 30 pounds (not 50). In order to orchestrate this miracle, I bought a huge carry-on to put heavy things in. It weighed at least twenty pounds. When I got to the airport, my suitcase was still over. So I had to put more stuff in the carry-on. Not a rolling bag. A shoulder bag. So I check my suitcase and proceed to become a human packmule. The catch HERE is that a carry-on bag can only weigh 15 pounds.

Mine weighed about thirty.

So I avoided security personnel successfully (somehow) and boarded the plane.

But now came the real challenge - putting it in the overhead bins.

I needed to do this with ease and no assistance, lest people know my secret. I was offered assistance, which I declined. I tried to lift it with no success. Then I realized what I had to do - use leverage. So I rested my giant bag on my face and pushed. My face was the closest thing to the bin. It worked. But everyone on the plane either thinks I’m weird or weak. Win win?

When I got back to grau du roi, I was forced into activity without showering or even bringing my stuff inside. One such activity was renting one of those pedal cars that they have at the beach. Called “rosalies” here. I went with the little ones and my aunt to get it. Olivia and sophia were basically the ones who rented it, because I don’t exactly speak rosalie french. I drove and motorcycles tried to run me over. We picked up my stepmom’s parents, who only speak swedish, and let them drive. Our mission was to find my dad and carina. We almost hit three police cars, went the wrong way on many roads, and came close to running over citizens of all ages. All the while, my aunt and I are yelling to hit the brake. Which they do not understand because we are not speaking swedish. As fun as it is to pretend to speak swedish, it is in fact a real language. As we are screaming in fear, they are laughing their heads off and saying things like “hiya hoora svinger dinger!!! Ya”.

Then Olivia spoke English for the first time this whole trip.

“Oh my Goddd!”

Back From England

Babysitting.

“what would you like to destroy first?”

‘a pointless question, since they do not speak english and there is nothing here worth destroying,’ I think to myself as I pour another glass of wine.

An hour of artwork and listening to pop music has passed.

I’m getting a little drunker.

This has led to a seminar on hairbrush singing and an attempt at making a music video.

The video was going pretty well, and they were even beatboxing (spitting everywhere) until they started taking clothes off.

Not that kind of video.

Although on second thought, that is a completely logical conclusion after hearing the words “music video”.

I’d like to shower but there are scissors in the vicinity so I guess not

Back Like Eminem

“au revoir, madame kaka!”

Yup, I’m with the fam. In france.

In case you didn’t know, that means “goodbye ms. Poop!”

Little sisters are chaaarming.

But really it’s not so bad here. Sometimes sophia (the mean and bossy one, 5) will hold my hand and sing songs for me (about poop). Then olivia (8) will ask me when I’m getting married, and I’ll say never, and she thinks I’m an old hag.

But working on my tan amongst half-naked, skin-cancered, saggy-titted old french women IS priceless. Oh and accidentally seeing my dad’s butt as he exits the bathroom and pretending not to. For my sake, not his. 

However, all of this dims when I come upon the miracle of miracles - that grau du roi, a town designed for old drunkards, now has ONE bar with wifi access. Pronounced “weefee”. I guess they realized that even McDonald’s (“MacDo”) was ahead of the game. So, I’m back again, folks.

Today I realized I’ve never blogged about a certain local harrisonburg gem - the medical community. We all make fun of the health center and its shortcomings, but there is even more disappointment and adventure to discover outside of those freecondombasket-adorned doorways.

I’ve had four distinct experiences within this realm.

1.

Emergicare. Or Emergicrap. This place really blows. Never go there. Although their radio ad sounds quite tempting (“the fastest and most reliable medical care available in rockingham county!”), do not be fooled. The last time I was there, I knew what was wrong with me and didn’t need a diagnosis - just a prescription. (Hint: when you find yourself in this situation, just go to the health center and beg for some roids. It is honestly the better route).  I proceeded to wait for not one...not two...but THREE hours for what claims to be the most elite assistance in greater jokeville. Once in the examination room, I waited for another 30 minutes to be seen. Then it took me 5 minutes to be diagnosed and leave with a signature soon to provide me with drugs across the street at cvs (don’t even get me started on them...avoid port republic at all costs). Failcare.

2.

Ah, the dentist. This story is not even about me, but too good to pass up. Enter joe scott, who is having pain after getting teeth pulled. So I drive him to the dentist. And wait. When he gets back in the car, there is an overwhelming aroma of...ferns? “get that shit OUTTA here! What IS that?” ...then I come to find that instead of giving him painkillers, they mashed up some mysterious herbs and shoved them into the crevices that once held teeth. I made fun of him and said he’d smell like an evergreen tree for the rest of his life. I wasn’t that far off - for the next two weeks, joe smelled like a bad camping experience during the yuletide season. Chewing wintergreen gum accentuated it in a pleasant, earthy way. But the infection my car suffered was not worth it. Need I say, wtf harrisonburg? Oh, and I think he got all of this for free. I doubt  they want to advertise their underground drug trafficking via dental work.

3.

One fateful day during a time of desperation, I went back to Emergifail. However, “no physician was on duty”, aka their one doctor was missing. Mysteriously. Probably some dissatisfied customer gagged him or something. Anyways, they kindly recommended me to another local care center. “Colonial Creek Healthcare” or something. So I get directions and head over. I see some houses, but no healthcare. So I hopefully enter a chiropractor’s office. The lady at the front desk informs me that one of those houses was indeed the place I sought. Huh? So I go by the houses again, and sure enough - there lies my diagnosis location. A sign out front tells me that no insurance is accepted. Just a $50 flat rate. Already suspicious, I go inside. I find myself in the lobby. Which is someone’s kitchen. Yeah, refrigerator, baby pictures, dirty dishes, the works. An old woman approaches me, hands me a clipboard, and directs me toward the sitting room. Rocking chairs, quilts, curtains, old people stuff. What? This is someone’s HOUSE. They LIVE here. I fill out my info. The doctor, an older man wearing...jeans, comes to fetch me and invites me to the back room. This is where most people leave and wait for the Emergicare doctor to be rescued or replaced. But for some reason, this voodoo doctor has me transfixed. I follow him. I’m in a regular household office with one of those crinkly paper tables that I have to sit on awkwardly. This guy is the best doctor in the burg. He is a total suspect and probably a reliable source for marijuana or ecstacy, but it always takes him five minutes to know exactly what is wrong with me and write a hefty prescription, complete with refills so I don’t have to come back. And he calls to check on me! Which is, yeah, creepy, but also a little bit awesome. One time I had a yeast infection in my mouth and he knew what it was. Who knows all of this stuff? Which is an entirely separate question from “who the hell gets a yeast infection in their mouth? ...and how?!” well, I’ll leave that to your imagination since I, myself, am at a loss.

4.

This story is too long to put into words, but next time you see me, feel free to ask about the gynecologist.

So if you’re ever bored of the same old begging for antibiotics at jmu’s worst idea, feel free to do some exploring throughout town. Acupuncture, anyone?

Yo

biddiewatch is taking what will probably be a three week break due to european travels to places where a toilet is the height of technology. see you soon!

Bagel Cravings

today i bring you the top three best license plates in greater rockingham county.

1. BTCHPLZ

seen only twice, but definitely a local resident. keep your eyes peeled for this rarity!

2. 

yup...quilt maker.

3. WVFARM

(a cry for help?)

you may have once read a post in which i reviewed 3D chalk, the trippiest toy since lite-brite and rainbow-brite. really, anything with the word brite. 3D chalk is, in fact, awesome.

3D movies, except in the case of theme parks and drug use, are NOT. i say this because some of the worst movies recently manufactured have tried to use awesome 3D technology to lure the unknowing consumer into the depths of regal/amc bankruptcy. i'm talking about beowulf, my bloody valentine, and...

final destination 4.

why? is the only coherent thought i have when i see the preview for this sequel to an originally bad idea. i could probably easily turn this post into a hateblog about sequels in general, but let me stick to FD4 (my use of an acronym does not imply any fondness for the film). it has really gone too far. i understand that horror films are running out of original plots (ex: drag me to hell, whose title is only trounced by the plot basis of a creepy one-eyed woman GETTING DENIED FOR A LOAN, and subsequently, well, dragging people to hell...). BUT. i would at least appreciate a change in title, or an add-on such as "final destination four: we've gone too far again."

i'll let this whole thing slide if they throw in a commemorative holographic slurpee cup, but i don't envision this movie producing a lot of revenue.

what disturbs me is that decent movies are starting to jump on this 3D bandwagon, when their quality alone is enough. "Up" is probably the best film i've seen in theaters since lord of the rings. but it is featured in 3D in select places. unnecessary and sad. i'm sure the creators of up were not interested in viewing the aforementioned crapgore movies, but i'm surprised they didn't do ay research on the success of this. and by success, i of course mean failure. i understand how this marketing technique is kid-friendly. but even as a child, the only 3D experience i ever really enjoyed was the muppets one at some theme park. granted, the other one i saw was about the deep sea and sharks at an aquarium and a tv show that i didn't understand (remember those good old "find some glasses in a cereal box and watch at 8 pm/7 central!" days? ...well, they were brief.). but still. the most recent 3D kid's film i can think of is "shark boy and lava girl".

just take a moment to think about the quality of that film.

...exactly.

although whats-his-face did grow up to have a half-naked career in the limelight of twilight's disgusting success. (it beat dark night for best film?!?! get it together, mtv.)

but what's worse is that the next disney-pixar release, "g-force", is ONLY available in 3D as far as i can tell.

and guess what?

it doesn't look that funny or awesome.

and it's about rodents.

Huts and Such

pictures of the week:

seen at a funeral. why go formal when you can wear an appropriately stylish leather vest with chain closures?

seen in my front yard. considering the only people that live in my house are cats, i'm not surprised that it's gone completely wild. grass growing in the corners, families of assorted wooden creatures, and hunting remnants really make me feel at home.

i've always found that my ikea shopping experience is never complete without the sighting of a red, white and blue mustache.

that really must have taken some effort.

so i haven't written in a while. this means that i have way too much material to put into one entry. so i will leave you with this charming tale before i take a 24-hour break.

needed to get my passport renewed, which is something i should have done roughly six months ago. i like to live on the edge. it would have expired while i was abroad, an adventure that was somewhat tempting.

but my friends and family did not see my procrastination in the same light, so i was peer-pressured into responsible action.

went to the county courthouse in my gym clothes and booty shorts. the sign on the door said "do not enter if not dressed appropriately". i felt pretty professional, so i swaggered on in.

about to go through metal detector. but the security guard asked for my purse. i wasn't carrying one. i double-checked. then i held up my wallet, wordlessly, and looked at him. he said "please, may i have your purse?"

my wallet?

my wallet has receipts hanging out of it. and some membership cards to books-a-million. not even any money, definitely nothing dangerous or exciting. but he rifled through it for five minutes, and now knows how much i spent at walmart the day before and maybe that i bought some lunchmeat.

nosy.

i go in. avoid the good-looking male receptionist. because i'm sweaty. grab some forms, fill em out. then i find out i need my checkbook.

i walk back to my car three blocks in pouring rain to get the stupid thing.

i return and hand the lady some crumpled papers. she says it'll take about six weeks.

"oh haha, no, i want to expedite it."

seemed perfectly logical.

"oh we don't do that here."

YOU ARE THE PASSPORT OFFICE.

?!

she hands me a small piece of white paper that says "post office" on it and a phone number. no address. nothing. i call and find out they close in 30 minutes and that they are 30 minutes away. aka 3:30. i buy a gps app for my phone and type in the addy and start some reckless driving.

i see a huge post office. feeling home free, despite my gps politely telling me that i was not in the right place ("make the next available u-turn"), i go on in and wait in line. it's 3:26. 

wrong post office.

at least i know the gps works.

so i get back on the road with 4 minutes to go.

gps says i've reached my destination.

which turns out to be a small wooden hut with a broken post office sign and no parking. i park by the dumpster. which was really a small trashcan. hoping not to get towed.

i run inside. 3:31. i stand at the desk while the lady gets off the phone. i'm feeling pretty good right now, even though this adventure was pretty disappointing and a complete and utter waste of time.

the lady comes up, i tell her confidently that i want to expedite my passport.

she apologizes for being a bit shaky due to the phone conversation she just had.

i, being the considerate human being that i am, ask if she is okay?

NO. I HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!

i make a noise that sounds like i was punched in the stomach, and then drool a bit. i selfishly worry she might file my paperwork wrong, and then just stand there awkwardly while she puts stamps all over things.

this situation was not ideal.

i left as soon as i could and mumbled god bless.

i drove home in silence and got my passport a week later.

man. cancer really sucks. it even sucks when you don't have it, but someone shouts in your face that they do. yikes and a half.

Twitter is Stupid

More things that are real that shouldn’t be:

I bring you Juicy Juice Brain Development.

http://www.juicyjuice.com/Products/Brain-Development.aspx

"Her brain will triple in size by the time she's two."

a. ?!?!?!

b. apparently only works on female babies...

i sense sexism.

c. THIS IS JUST NOT OKAY. i do not want my child to have an unusually large brain. she will look deformed and may or may not explode at an early age. where are the warnings for this product?

d. what happened to the days where i at LEAST felt safe around juicy juice...is nothing sacred?

e. i seem to remember the wrinkliness of your brain being more important than the size. but i could have fabricated that years ago.

So, I’m channel surfing during commercial break and stop on a CW drama crap-type show.  I’m not really paying attention until all of a sudden they look really scared.  Pan to the elevator.  THERE IS A DEMON INSIDE IT.  A really fake looking, angry demon.  It is tearing apart the elevator.  I am laughing too hard to hear the dialogue, so I’m still really confused.  And impressed.  Because the demon is now climbing up the elevator shaft.  But I wonder...why was he ignoring the two very easy targets only a hallway away?

I had to watch Glee, so I dunno what else happened.  But that’s two solid minutes of quality television for my day.

And now, picture of the week:

I always find that the best place to floss is in the middle of the street.

What I meant is that I always find floss on the middle of the street.

Josh just walked in. “Can I use your oven?”

Hello to you, too.

So I dropped my french class, to popular acclaim and picked up health. Online. So far everything in the syllabus is elsewhere contradicted, so I never know what I’m supposed to be doing. But all of this is entirely made up for by the textbook.

Let me give you a little taste, via the first sentence:

“Interested in improving your health? Concerned about the water you drink, the food you eat, or catching SARS?”

...

Why yes, I am VERY concerned.

My other class is equal mix of dissatisfaction and moments-that-are-worth-it.

The good:

My teacher is rather old and somewhat senile.  He thinks that a “modern-day” example of an inductive reasoning is about pokemon cards.  He was really happy about it.

Also, our syllabus is about “reaching for our dreams, and achieving new goals”. Via math. Which is impossible.

The bad:

Everything we do is boring beyond all get-out.

The ugly:

My teacher has absolutely no idea what he is doing.  One of the most clueless teachers I have ever had.  Today we spent 40 minutes while he dug himself into a hole with an easy problem.  We had to take a break so that he could try to figure it out...again.  I stayed after class to try to understand a hw problem that made no sense AND was based off of something we’ve never learned.  He did not know the answer and spent fifteen minutes reading MY textbook trying to understand any part of what was going on.

My question is: How am I supposed to pass any test? Also, why should I even pass if my teacher can’t do any of these problems? We'll find out tomorrow...

ps - i apologize for the use of capitalization in this post. it's not really my style, but i typed this in word last night...

nerd alert.