Life Unexpected

Today I was inspired to write a blog by a complete stranger. The biddiewatch hiatus might be coming to an end!

I'm currently on the Bolt Bus to NYCitay to spend New Year's and an indefinite amount of time after that (insert standard doubts of returning to college from the best place on earth here). I came very close to not making it on the bus after a coffee date with Tracey and her wonderful asian friend, JP. Being asian is a key point.

They escorted me to the bus at Union Station in DC, and left me to stand in line in Bolt to NY...which I was. I would have stood in that line a WHILE because it wasn't for the bus I needed to get, which left about 1 minute after I got on it.

Seeing as how I was the last to get on board, there weren't really any seats left...except for one next to a cute boy my age, so naturally I asked if I could sit down. He politely moved his strategically placed "don't-sit-here" backpack in the spare seat, and I put my stuff down.

He had headphones in, and I was on the phone, so we are awkwardly ignoring each other. Until the bus driver started saying some words, and I made a joke about how the website told us we were being dropped off at a Sbarro ("the best pizza joint in NY", to quote my friend Brian). He introduced himself! Phew, we are on speaking terms.

As luck would have it, my new friend and coincidental seatmate is a Music Theater major at Elon, where I was a cointoss away from being a student. We start nerding out about music, Tituss Birgus, Miranda Sings, shows in NY, and Florence and the Machine.

Not only that, but he is friends with multiple people in my life, including Connor Smith (shout out)! Now we are FB friends so the world can know our love story. He himself wrote a blog about the small world we live in, so I decided to give my take :)

See his blog here!

Meanwhile, the guy across from us is writing in a spiral bound notebook about fairy zebras in a pumpkin patch with rhyming names...welcome to the city-to-city transport system.

Phrases That Never Quite Made It

"Your face is like music to my eyes."

"That guy's motorcycle is so badbutt!"

"Just joshin' ya."

Kinney For President

Well, after the most boring 6 weeks of my entire existence, I finally have something to say.

Vote for me.

(Actual sign seen in Georgia by my mother)

My platform:

- Shoes

- Pro-humans

- Pro-plants

- Pro-animals

- Peace and other things, like, such as

- Everything for free!

Campaign slogan:

"When the tough get going, I'm gonna need GPS on my phone to follow them."

Family Bonding

Nothing says "functional family" like buying hot dogs in bulk at the Costco cafeteria and then eating them on a display table in the furniture section next to the massive cartons of spring water. They even bothered to get shopping carts to pose as valuable customers.

"This is almost like having a real dining room, Mommy!"

Also featuring my hair.

TINO

And now huggies brings us jeans, encouraging pedophiles everywhere to disregard boundaries. Note that they are for a limited time only.

What My Brain Tells Me

The dreams I have when I go to bed at 5 in the morning, after a night of whiskey, vodka...and pickle juice.

The dream began with me still at the bar. Naturally, the bar was pretty empty considering bars close an hour before this dream began. My roommate "forced" me to drink whiskey. A lot of whiskey. In the basement of the bar, there was this weird bed that was actually a shower. Lots of old women were around, and I was wearing cowboy boots which I ruined in the weird bed shower. Oddly, the basement led outside where a wedding was taking place. I commented on how weird this was to a woman standing next to me who had a young daughter. Everyone was dressed like it was the colonial times, and the wedding party wore black hipster clothes with navy blue accessories. (Sarah Smith, what are your thoughts on this being bridesmaid attire?). ALL OF A SUDDEN I was transported to a concert. Felicia was there, and we were both super pissed that Eminem wasn't performing at this concert, even though he wasn't supposed to. In the distance, we could see real dinosaurs that were inflatable. On my way out of the concert, I saw another young girl/mom duo. Maybe it was the same one. We discussed Clifford the dog, and then he immediately ran by at lightning speed behind the little girl's back. I chose not to tell her that she had just missed the most important moment of her life.

It must have been the pickle juice.

The Truth

The meaning of this blog is completely embodied in this one photograph. Notice the tanline, and the ass cheeks literally hanging out. God, I love New York!

Skeletor!!! I have the sudden urge to start wearing sunscreen.

Lazy Friday

A few things to get off my chest:

What is pasta salad other than just regular pasta that your mom left in the fridge overnight?

Yesterday I ate a meal at Dave & Buster's but I didn't play any games. I live in a city with a street called Restaurant Row.

I have now watched the Goblet of Fire three times. Today.

I'm about to enter my senior year and I've only had ONE hot professor. This hardly seems fair. But oh, Professor Lawler...I liked your lemur tattoo.

What is a Wayans Brother?

Movies I haven't seen:

1. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

2. The Godfather

3. Fight Club

4. Top Gun

5. All Indiana Jones films

6. Bridget Jones' Diary

7. The Sixth Sense

8. Jaws

9. Austin Powers

10. Terminator movies

Movies I have seen:

1. All Disney/Pixar creations except G-Force (what WAS that?!)

...in 2D of course.

Shiny Happy People

The people in New York are like no other people on Earth. In that they are solid gold nuggets of bizarre comedy.

A few recent sightings:

FORGET wolf shirts if there are dragon shirts to be had!!!

This woman is 30 and in a relationship and has no children...but is wearing that backpack. No wonder that man is comforting her.

Same purse. Same dress. Same hair. Same shoes. SAME STOCKINGS. Two completely different sized people.

Truer words have never been printed on a crew-neck. Somebody gonna get pregnant.

Do Your Chain Hang Low

Let me spin you a saga.

Once upon a time, I lived with three goth strangers. I made this decision after many celebratory day drinks, and didn't even check to see where the bathroom was. The goths were scary and didn't know how to clean anything. They ate expired food and wore ripped clothes. They had many pets. I locked my door for two weeks and then I moved out and left behind a napkin note.

"Thanks for sharing your home with me!"

Home is a very loose term for scary warehouse cave futon place.

Then I moved in with the good Shannon, who I love and adore. Here I learned a few things:

a. Polish people are insane.

b. Always read your lease.

c. Do not let old people hear you cursing. Because they have supersonic hearing.

Let me briefly elaborate on this mini-epoc. Not reading a lease will 100% guarantee that you don't know the rules of your apartment. In this case, AC units were apparently illegal without written permission. After a full day of the AC unit leaking and causing ceiling damage in the apartment below unbeknownst to us, our landlady came a-knocking and a-screaming. A heinous bitch, one might say. After 10 minutes of ignoring her broken english and absurd claims, she left. Shannon was civil toward her, and I refused to deal with her bullshit. When she closed the door to leave, I dropped the F-Bomb. In the privacy of my own home, mind you. She stormed back in and told us we had 30 days to get out. She even brought her husband to back her up. He stood 5 feet back and nodded. He spoke absolutely no English. I have a great impression of her if you ever meet me in person.

As we all know, you cannot get evicted for being rude. However, you can get evicted for breaking your lease.

So Shannon found a new place while I was at work. Our movers were two absurd black guys who blasted rap music wherever they went. We paid them under the table, and one of them gave me his demo. He also did a live demonstration to which i tried to do gangster dancing. Shannon finding this place without me there was convenient because I didn't have to do anything, but also a bad idea because I discovered after moving in that it took me an hour and 40 minutes to get to work. Not exactly a New York minute. Also, the landlady was another Polish freak who spied on all of her tenants and sat on the stoop for twelve hours a day to see everyone and everything. The last straw was when she let herself into the apartment unannounced with a phone repair guy. I was only wearing a towel and she made me move furniture around. So I clearly and sadly had to move out into the world as a lone wolf once again, in search of a normal American living situation.

Then I met Craig. I'm not sure if you've heard about Craig, but he has this great list of anything you could ever want! Definitely a stand-up guy, and pretty easy to read. He really helped me out this summer, and told me about this apartment in Williamsburg on my favorite street.

I went to visit this little palace, and fell in love. IKEA wardrobe, wood floors, and something completely foreign to me called "Air Conditioning". It's where cold air gets blown around in your room! No one in New York has heard of this rare, new technology so I'm really ahead of the curve here. My roommate is a really cool ex-vegan and feeds me liquor sometimes. She works for the Wall Street Journal and is probably reading this right now! I should probably say something smart.

...

I'm living with a cat named Jones, too. He's crazy! We get along great, but things have been a little awkward because he walked in on me naked the other day.

And there you have the condensed version of how I moved 4 times in one month. This post is mainly the vessel to post the highly-requested photos depicting the goth abode, so enjoy!

Not good to eat:

1. Rotten bananas.

2. Trash from many moons ago.

3. Any of this.

Classy decorations? Note unlucky cat.

GIANT PIECE OF DUST

And now...I live above a muffin shop! That caged-in fortress is my door.

Congratulations?

I guess I really must be vegan. I just pooped completely green. It reminded me of the scene in Weeds where Cilia dumps all the weed in the pool.

I could make another joke about dropping the kids off, but I'll let you figure it out for yourself.

T-1 day until the Epic Nomad Post!

Where Am I?!

An EPIC post is coming your way soon! Get excited!

Updates:

- I died my hair red.

- I went to a lesbian bar.

- I saw a Passion Pit show.

- I got lost in a sketchy neighborhood.

- I grabbed someone's boob on the subway thinking it was the pole.

- I drank a tube of 50 oz of beer.

Those are all pretty good stories, but not good enough to spin a blog about (except maybe the lesbian bar).

So this weekend is my first 4th of July in America. This is because I usually visit my dad in Switzerland for the summer. He used to take me to these corny rodeos in Switzerland to make up for it. All the Swiss people would go to make fun of Americans. Hot dogs and beer everywhere, and people being taught to line dance. I wish hip hop was the American stereotype, but sadly it's country music. These events probably made my dad feel better, but after watching yet another dance team from Ohio, I began to question our culture altogether. One year, however, I was not disappointed. It started to thunderstorm and lightning struck the fireworks. They all went off at once. Tight.

That was about 4 or 5 years ago so I'm pretty sure this event got discontinued after that.

I must confess I did experience 4th of July as a baby. I just don't remember it. AND one year a while back I was in America for Independence Day, but I had food poisoning so I don't think that counts.

Lucky me, I get to have my first end-all cultural experience in New York City. LOOK OUT! I'm gonna paint this town red, white and blue. And maybe a little bit of puke green.

Vegan hot dogs and beer for breakfast. For the next three days.

You can keep track of it via live video streaming on USTREAM!

Just kidding.

Swankified

I gave in and re-wrote this entire post. I may have forgotten some crucial deets.

Last night I was at this:

Because Lisa met a head honcho at IMG on the Subway and sent her a formal invitation. So I headed to Macy's to buy a floor-length orange number, as if I even need an excuse to go shopping. As it was the hottest day of the year, we hopped in a cab hoping for some AC. No luck. Even cars know the heat is too much to consider battling. The sun has a championship belt that it won't ever give up.

We arrived. We were on the guest list. We made our way downstairs to find ourselves in an underground, exclusive ping pong club. The place was serious. A championship match was going on, and we were surrounded by champions/hopeful young businessmen/models/loaded old men. Considering I was evicted yesterday (tune in to next blogpost), I felt entitled to a few cosmos. STRONG cosmos.

Then I ate a vegan sandwich next to Judah Friedlander.

I had encounters with the following people:

- Three old men whose profession was "trading"

- A British man who bought me a tequila shot

- A very old man in green pants who seemed very influential and gave me his card:

- A modeling photographer who I vaguely remember speaking French to:

- A HOT HOT HOT woman in a leather dress who I saw hours before on Fifth Avenue. Dream girl.

- A model in the bathroom who complimented my dress

- A cameraman who interviewed me. I couldn't tell you what I said.

- A sick DJ who wants to come to the MIA show with me in a couple weeks

- A guy who was alternately dressed as a hot dog, a sumo wrestler, a chicken, and things I got too drunk to recognize:

Then we left to go to a rooftop party. I guess I decided not to go because I remember:

- Being alone in Manhattan wearing an evening gown

- Trying to buy a Subway pass with pennies, the only real money I brought with me. Also I left my unlimited pass on my bed.

- Taking a cab to a bar in Brooklyn

- Eating cheese puffs there

- Falling asleep there

...

I woke up this morning at a friend's place still wearing my dress, contacts and earrings intact. I then took my THIRD cab in a 24-hour period to make it home to change for work. As I hailed a taxi, I was sporting gold heels, basketball shorts and a JMU hoodie. Looking fly, if I do say so myself. I got back to the apartment to find gays and girls littered on the kitchen floor, sleeping like little young adult angels. I made it to work with alcohol in my veins, water in my hand, and two minutes to spare.

Feast Your Eyes on This

The moves. The Jews. The solid gold.

Get Me To My Air Mattress

I think I might be dying.
And I blame Miley Cyrus.

My best friend, who shall not be named, and I made a pact. A sacred pact requiring us to do a bar crawl from Brooklyn to Central Park last night to try to make it to the Miley Cyrus concert at 7 AM, McDonald's and 4 Loco in hand.
Now I shall relay to you this very unsuccessful story.

My evening began at a bar at 8 PM. Possibly too early to start a bar crawl that won't end for 12 hours, but HEY. I have to keep a steady buzz going. After a few beers and riveting basketball game that is too controversial to mention at this time, I met the rest of my crew to begin the crawl. I was then harassed by one Amir Cohen about my bar crawl planning, which was basically a general outline of which subway lines to take. APPARENTLY, the correct term for this is a "bar hop" and for a "bar crawl" you need to have at least 30 people in your posse and the bars you go to should know you're coming and have drinks waiting for you. As a Harrisonburger, I find this very unrealistic. But I'm in New York now, and I need to raise my standards of drinking.

Soon thereafter, Cohen ditched the mission proving that his party knowledge and commitment is insufficient.

And then there were 4. It's taking me a long time to write this post because I'm still drunk and definitely cross-eyed. The 4 of us downed some brewskies and then took the subway to Manhattan. We didn't even bother getting off at multiple stops to go to different bars because we were lazy and still trying to convince ourselves that this would be fun.
We lost some brethren along the way. Unexpectedly, one of us did not get on the Subway car. With no explanation. Whatever happened to good old following through? When I agree to drink, I don't half-ass. And I don't sneak away in underground transit. Because I get lost when I'm sober (high school superlative: Most Likely to Get Lost on a Road Trip. Yeah...no shame?).

The 3 of us exited the Subway to find a barren wasteland. No bars, no people, no lights. Pitch black sober misery. Thanks to Google maps, we did find one bar 4 blocks away that would be open for the next hour, since it was already 3 AM (How did that happen? We only went to one bar before this...). We were the only people there, and a man named Sean/Shawn served us up. I tipped him $1, but he didn't take it. That dollar is probably still sitting there.
Then an old man walked in, seeming to be a regular because he just word-vomited "Hitme" to Sean/Shawn, who got him something red. It must have been strong, because he couldn't even finish it.

This old man was drunk, deranged, and exactly 66 years old. He openly greeted Tracey and I, but ignored our male counterpart Davey. Only old men in jail could possibly be interested in a young man in the presence of the two hottest girls on Earth (...Me and Tra).
Here are some key phrases from this man:
- "You're 20? Ya know, I was drunk and stoned until I was 20. Then I got married. That sucked."
- "Hey Sean/Shawn...Did you know you have a small ass?"
- "You work for the radio? You're a working girl? How'd you do that?"
- "I have a small dog. I just walked it for 15 minutes. I was here before then, and now I'm back."
- "Did I tell you that I have a little dog? I walked him today for an hour."
- "I got 5 grandkids. They'll probably get me a fuckin card and some cigarettes for father's day."
- "Always remember to air out your vagina. This is very important! You know it is!"
And that's when we decided to leave. Thanks for the advice, old man.

Now that all bars were closed, it was time to find food. A 24 hour diner presented itself to us, and we feasted on pancakes, cheesy eggs, homefries, regular fries, lox&cream on a bagel, sausage egg and cheese sandwiches and other delicious noms. By then, it was 5 AM. We needed to get in line for the concert at 5:30. We were 3 blocks away from our ultimate destination. It was around this time that we started to fall asleep and decided that instead of just keeping up our fantastic mission until 7 am, we would go home and get useless 45 minute naps before work.

In conclusion, I missed Miley Cyrus. You make me Smiley Cyrus. Because you are a bogus whore.
Despite traveling an hour back to my bed, I still did not sleep for nearly an acceptable time increment.
I was late for work because I took the wrong Subway and was only wearing one contact.
At least I had already eaten breakfast?
I'm having a party tonight. I can't wait until tomorrow when I am finally allowed to sleep.
I don't regret this failure of an evening.

I'm too hungover to know if this is coherent, let alone funny.

My Life is Like Woah

I had another "this is my destiny" night. It was Friday.

For those of you who didn't hear the hearsay, my first "this is my destiny" night was two weeks ago when I found myself drinking something called Death Punch out of an Igloo cooler at a dance party at a loft in SoHo surrounded by tubs of gummy bears. Also, I dropped my wallet but someone returned it to me. A risky evening, I dare say.

So, I went out with my bitches who are really nice. We met in Astoria to get drunk and see where the wind took us. We decided to eat first, at a place called "Oasis" or "Trance" or some other nonsensical trendy name that implies remix dance music as ambience. I ordered a dry martini, while they got pina coladas. We're all 20. Our drinks are served, and the waitress asks if we are 18...the legal drinking age. Fresh off the boat for the win. FOB FTW. I offered to show her my high school diploma as proof, but she said that wasn't necessary.

My martini was straight liquor. I used the olives and my antibiotics as chasers. Don't worry Mom & Dad, I'm just mixing drugs and alcohol.

Our massive bowls of mediocre pasta arrived. I ate as much as I possibly could. Due to the sketch warehouse situation, saving the rest for later would have been a death wish. The leftover portion could have easily been reserved to an unsuspecting customer, so they assumed that I didn't like the meal.

Therefore, they gave me everything for free. Easily the best bar in town.

Next we traveled across the street searching for sweets. We found a massive Greek bakery, also serving as a bar. There I drunkenly ordered a chocolate mousse. Shaped like a chocolate mouse.

Then we almost caught the table on fire due to a napkin + candle experiment. Just say no, kids!

We left cash and peaced before the flame was under control.

Destiny then brought us to a gallery opening and wine tasting. Delicious.

Next stop was the World Yacht Club. As I read that sentence aloud in my head, it sounds fake. Lisa, posse member, had to hand out fliers to drunk people here as her "job". I plan to be employed there soon. After passing the most epic bowling alley in America, we hit the subway to head to beds. There, our lives were changed by The Meetles.

The Meetles:

A Beatles tribute band consisting of some old white guys, what appeared to be my old GirlScout troop leader, a man with a hat and a tambourine, and two token Asians (one was hidden in the back).

They were incredible. Seriously, I would hire them for a party in a heartbeat. On-point harmonies brought to you by the ragamuffins of adulthood. Even better, their biggest fan was there. A homeless man. He stood in front of their money basket and rained $1 bills into it. I think he gave them at least $20 in ones, and then recruited others to join in. Hidden Asian helped collect money with an Elmo puppet.

Truly, the only problem with The Meetles was that they didn't spell their name like "meat".

I bring them to you via YouTube.

Win-Lose Situation

sketch warehouse update.

there is now a shower curtain.

and the goth roomies found the pair of underwear i drunkenly hid under the dining room table that i forgot about until i saw it on the floor in front of my door.

two more days.

The Gugg

today i went to the museum mile festival in manhattan. my favorite part was definitely the guggenheim museum, featured on a recent episode of ugly betty. this has nothing to do with stories or humor, but the artwork was breathtaking.

things i saw:

- a father and son. the son was hot. ...then they started making out.

- a juggler mess up over and over again.

- an old lady with green hair.

- the most horrific clown show, brought to you by silly billy. his "trick" was to put horrifying masks on young children. see his next show in my nightmares.

- approximately 19 asian babies.

things i heard:

- a cranky jewish man making bold and completely false claims about me being in the restroom for 8 minutes.

- someone making fun of my extremely outdated phone. which is the droid. it came out less than a year ago.

- approximately 19 asian babies.

things that saw and heard me:

- 50,000 people at the aforementioned festival. that's definitely an exaggeration, but i made myself pretty obvious. tourists took pictures of me! so if you're one of those tourists, welcome to biddiewatch. comment and let me know you're here!

up next is the day of the wolf shirt, and my racist britney spears rant! stay tuned.

Extra Extra

update on the sketch warehouse living situation: the shower is now broken. everything that ever went down the drain has been regurgitated onto the bathroom floor, like the hairballs of a thousand cats. for once in my life, i feel gross enough to shower. in case you did not know, i hate showering.

i have thrice successfully stolen the fan from the living room, to no apparent complaint.

today i was told by a black man that i have a big/phat/fat ass. he literally asked if he could keep his bike in my "trunk" and come along for the ride.

when i grow old and would-be-grey-if-it-weren't-for-bleach, i aspire to flaunt what i got. this woman reminded me.

in other news, my blog personality is now featured on comicalradio.com! today was my first post, entitled "drinking, degenerates, and david kasten's musical debut", which is the name of the podcast as well. download or subscribe to the podcast if you like to party. you can also check out how good i look every friday when the show is ustreamed live to our website. today, the world saw my horse shirt. next week is the wolf shirt so don't miss it!!!

Moving On Up

hi. i'm in new york. i have two internships and the sun beats down on you like an abusive father.

i am living with strangers. let me tell you a little bit about it.

the apartment is in a converted warehouse.

there are two cats and one dog.

my 3 roommates are goth. all of their clothes are made up shredded black fabric and the rest of their bodies are covered in tattoos. there are empty boxes everywhere, and there is no trash can. only a trash bag on the floor, which the dog eats out of.

also there is no microwave.

also there is no air conditioning.

my room is decorated in skulls. there is a holographic photo of dr. jekyll/mr. hyde. there is not a window, but there is a wall made of glass bricks with a tiny hole in the top. the only movie is donnie darko. i'm very afraid to open the drawers.

i'm positive that if i looked long enough, i would find cocaine.

good news is that the fridge is completely stocked! full of expired food. it reminds me of when my roommate brittany forgets to put saran wrap on leftovers. except that is the case with every item.

but the cat food is organic. really, people, buy food for yourself and not your cat! see prior entry about walmart cat lady.

there is no hand soap in the bathroom. i bought some from duane reed today. they will think the soap fairies came.

all of the roommates have died their hair black, and is shaved off in different places. by the way, i found this place on craigslist and one of the benefits was that i could get a free haircut.

i am a little tired of long hair, but...

when you set foot in my room, a little cloud of dust puffs up.

i wear flip flops in the shower. ah, dorm days...

there is a baby doll with no eyes on a shelf in the living room.

other than that, it's not bad. i'm a little anxious about the first time i have to get into the warehouse fortress while intoxicated. they gave me seven keys, and most of them don't work. there are 8 locks, some of which are irrelevant. i approximate this adventure will transpire within 48 hours.

pictures coming soon!

Here Goes Nothin!

moving up the big city asap. shout out to comical radio for giving me an internship! probably the tightest gig i could ever dream for. check em out!

making money, however, is slightly necessary for survival. here are the jobs i've applied for so far!

1. dog walker. i would make bank off of all the rich people in new york, and do next to nothing. i like dogs, and i am really good at frisbee. good to go.

2. nanny. craigslist is like a gold mine. let me watch your kids! i'm a good speller and i can cook spaghettios! but i don't know how to ride a bike, and i don't know what a "nick jonas" is.

3. mysterious blog assistant. i answered this posting on craigslist where the requirements are knowing what "roflcopter" and a meme are. i think i'm good to go. it would be me hanging out with a woman in her home researching weird nerdy things on digg. hey, if you're reading this, hire me!

4. storyteller. yes, that is a real job. i would have to wear a costume and tell children stories at a museum. for a whopping $15 an hour. this is why new york is called the city of dreams. or the big apple. it has many names, all of which are good, some of which are lies.

come visit me! especially if you go to JMU and haven't seen someone who isn't white in 4 years.

It's Going Well

GIVE ME THIS:

dream job

the hunt for a summer internship in new york continues...it's nice to know that somewhere, out there, a group of nice people can't wait to use me as free and brutal labor for the next three months. i've already found a few companies that look hilarious!

Rogue Talent Group listing: "We are a busy group of people. If we feel there is a fit, then we will contact you. If you contact us, then you will be eliminated. If you match our criteria, then submit please. This will be a test to those that follow directions well. Good luck. "

i'm going to call them just to make sure!

Tips

if you want everything you cook to immediately look hideous and outdated, buy Rachel Ray's new bakeware collection. as if awful t-shirts weren't enough, she's now ruining the world by mass producing this garish set of lasagna holders.

Well...I'm Back

after a long hiatus due to a newfound realization that graduation is imminent and i must attend classes, i am back to meet the needs of biddies and biddie-lovers everywhere. having gotten straight c's, i am fully prepared to do absolutely nothing serious this summer. i also plan to figure out how to upload pictures from my cell phone and join my generation in technological obsession.

and now, in true biddiewatch fashion, i bring you 3 appropriate things.

1. a biddie.

this was actually taken when it was freezing cold outside. note that she is wearing shorts with uggs. the strategic hoodie placement is an attempt at canceling out the absurd choice to wear booty shorts at 1 AM on a cold evening. oh, and is she buying natty?

2. something clearly stupid.

reason #426 why doing your everyday shopping at CVS is a poor choice. even a bonuscard can't save you from the tragic misspelling this poor sign suffers from.

in case you yourself can't spell, the word spelled wrong is "clearance".

3. something crazy.

folks, what you're looking at is $195.65 of cat food and $0 of human food. this is what we call a CAT LADY. in addition to the extravagant amount she is purchasing, she has also kindly offered her cats some variety - giant bags of dry food, small cans of wet food, and huge cans of more nasty wet cat food. this checkout process took almost 20 minutes, but i was perfectly content basking in the glow of crazy to find out the total. even at Walmart it's expensive to own 600 cats and live alone and not feed yourself.

Thanks GMAIL

Apologies

okay so...

the photo contest happened. i got lots of awesome entries. and i promised to announce the winners on march 1st but i didn't because i'm lazy and also i'm in europe. but more importantly, there have been immense technical difficulties. when i return to the states, these will be resolved! so if you have any last minute submissions, hit me up :)

This One Time

i have three midterms next week. which is weird for a few reasons, but mostly i'm about to be a senior?!

anywho. we are stuck here, in midtermland. have you ever thought to yourself, "i wonder what people in switzerland have to do for school this week?" - i haven't either. however, both of my little sisters live there and attend school. not to mention that my dad teaches there.

are they having midterms? no. why? because every student in switzerland gets next week off of school. why? so that everyone can go skiing.

yes, that's right. in addition to traditional breaks, there is a designated ski break for all the swisses. which brings me to an old tale of my youth, involving swiss mountains and school breaks. how convenient.

*FLASHBACK*

i am fifteen. i have been skiing since the age of two, although it has not merited much skill. regardless, my dad went semi-pro and insisted upon forcing this passion upon me. so around christmas time, we head into the mountains with our friend lasse and chains on the tires. upon arrival, we hit the bunny slopes. i feel great! and man, do i look good. so fast! so sleek! so...my dad is bored. i see an appealing intermediate slope and we head for the skilift. it is unlike any skilift i've ever encountered - you sit on a little suspended stool and keep your skis on the ground as you slide up. obviously, i immediately fall off and they shut the entire thing down. as a french man yells at me, my dad and i run away.

dad: i'm sure we can just take THIS skilift up and ski down a little to get there.

said skilift was actually a skipod. 20 could fit in each pod, like miniature london eyes. as we ascend, i notice the temperature drop and the sky turn white. when we exit, my immediate view presents me with bright blankness. we are at the very top of the mountains, above the clouds. no visibility of the ground below.

this is great - i'm sure my mediocre skiing ability has me amply prepared for the black diamond slopes.

dad: ok, so i'll meet you at the bottom of this slope? i'm going to hit that really complicated and dangerous slope. you go down here - see ya!

...

RIGHT.

okay, so this isn't so bad. i'm the slowest person, but i'm moving! oh wait, here comes a turn. oh wait, there is no guardrail. i am faced with falling off a cliff into a CLOUD or hitting the side of a mountain. solution? sitting on my butt and sliding down. over the next half an hour, i am offered help in four different languages.

i get to the bottom and stand up. hey dad. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING DUDE?! we need to leave. this is awful. i can't ski worth crap and i wasn't planning on falling off a mountain today.

dad: that ski lift is only up this mountain a little, let's go.

dad and i walk up the mountain with our skis still on. this proves to be extremely difficult, but we make it. oh thank goodness!

operator: i am le sorry, this ski lift is now closed. perhaps you can try zat one down there?

DOWN THERE?! we just walked up here! at this point i will do anything. we ski down.

operator 2: oh i am SO le sorry, we are also closed now! just ski down!

we leave the ski lift pagoda. i yell at dad. i have no choice but to continue down black death diamond.

as soon as a plan had been formulated, the sky shifts. the sun is setting. the sun is going down while we are on top of a mountain. it gets cold and a cloud passes through us. completely alone, left up here to die, all because i can't ride a skilift without adult supervision.

dad calls lasse. lasse calls the red cross. they are coming to save us! for now i will lay on this soft icy patch. there they are! snowmobiles cutting across the slopes, surely coming to save us from imminent doom!

we wave and shout. they don't see us. they continue on in another direction.

is this what heaven looks like? we are in the cloud, no cell phone service.

is that whistling?

out of the cloud comes a lumberjack. oh yes, i am definitely not on planet earth anymore. i wonder if he has any pancakes? he is pulling a toboggan, that must be the case!

after a brief french exchange between dad and lumberjack, i come to discover that this man is the red cross. this one red plaid-clad mountain man is our saviour. he wraps me in a straight jacket of sorts and i am put in the toboggan and wrapped up. he asks dad if dad can ski down.

dad: i am a pro.

as i am racing down a mountain in a sled being pulled by al from Tool Time, i hear my dad fall many times. sweet revenge.

they give me hot chocolate. i am alive. i sign a form saying that the red cross is the best colored cross around.

we go home.

Biddiewatch PHOTO Contest

well guys, february is halfway over. i've gotten some pretty good photo submissions, but i'm not sure if any can compare to the essay submission i received from harry hicock. folks, this is a PHOTO competition so you can still win (without the essay portion).
and now, i present to you (with much anticipation), a story from my good friend harry hicock.

"Dear Biddiewatch,
My name is Harry Hicock. Although, I’m sure you will get plenty of crazy stories for your contest, I think I have the winner. It started off the night of the newbie party. But before this odyssey unfolds, there are a couple things you should know about me. 1) The last girl I made out with was yours truly, an exact year earlier, the same night as the newbie party. 2) I was ditched the night before by the girl I was trying to “talk” to. And so it goes…

8:00 P.M.) It was me, girl 1, girl 1’s roommate, convict, and blackie. (Note- not real names being used) We started off watching Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. If you have had the misfortune of existing without seeing this remarkable work of art, I suggest you go see it before reading any further. After an hour or so of the movie, I realize I have fallen helpless to sleep.

9:00 P.M.) I wake up, and see that the others are asleep as well. 9:00? Perfect time to catch my flies for Bio 224.

10:00 P.M.) I return to Eagle Hall to start a night of epic proportions. Unbeknownst to myself, there is such a thing called a chuggler, and such a drink called a Mickey’s. My fellow comrades had already started. Convict had a whole bottle of Jack to himself. Blackie and Girl 1 both had some Captain and some of the Silver Bullet. I couldn’t let them be disappointed. I needed to catch up.



10:45 P.M.) Success. As Convict had finished his bottle in those 45 minutes I too became quite unable to control myself. Blackie and Convict both decide to show me their dance moves. I do say, the Chain Saw grew on me. It was nothing compared to the Jerk I’ve been mastering since I was a young lad. Convict’s lady friend just happens to be Girl 1’s next door neighbor. Convict needed to say his farewell before we journeyed off to the land of Newbie Party.

10:55 P.M.) Convict used the worst pick up line known to man. As Blackie and I were talking to Convict’s lady friend about a banana, Convict thought it would be appropriate to tell her “You’re the ripest.” Time to Go.

11:00 P.M.) As we leave Eagle, some kid has the audacity to not only moon any on comers from the fourth floor, but to be completely naked next to his guy friend in the same room. Sounds like a win-win to me. It did not sound like a win-win to Convict as he decided his manhood would be abolished if he did not scream obscenities to this mooner. Blackie told Convict that all would be o.k. if he threw his banana at Moon. He threw his banana at mooner. Manhood was restored. As we continued to venture onwards, Convict continued stumbling. Girl 1 realized Convict would not be able to make it to the Newbie Party walking. She was correct. She went back inside Eagle to get Blackie’s car keys. As we waited for her, Convict fell and sprawled eagle. Tonight was going to be a fun night. Soon afterwards he ran the length of the parking garage? Probably another test of his manhood. Girl 1 finally returned and we were off again.

11:30) We arrive at Greenberries. So close to the land of Newbie Party. Convict falls again. Girl 1’s concern for him grow exponentially. Blackie, Girl 1, and I walk to the other side of the parking lot. I reassure her, if he can walk to us without falling over he’ll be good to go to the party, if not, we’ll take him back to Eagle.



We begin to yell his name as if we were searching for our lost puppy. He hears. He sees. He runs. Usually when people run from one place to another it’s in a straight line. It’s the shortest distance between two points. Now that I think about it, for all he knew, he was running a straight line instead of arch. Surprisingly he made it to us-almost. At the last possible second Convict fell. Don’t worry guys, his face broke his fall. At this point in time the cops happened to drive by. Girl 1 dipped out. Blackie and I try getting Convict on his feet. The cops turn into the parking lot. Blackie dips out. I tell him “Convict, if you don’t run with me right now you’re getting arrested.” He understands. He takes one step, and falls again. The cops park behind me. I did all I could. And so I ran from the cops, the second time this month (read earlier Biddiewatch blogs for more details).

11:35 P.M.) After watching Blackie hurdle the creek and Girl 1 run through the creek on our escape I do everything I can to get rid of the cops. I catch up to Blackie and Girl 1. We can see the party in the distance. Before we go, we make a three-way pact. We put our hands together and all say that it was none of our faults. It was sealed, a fun night we could have. We arrive through the back of the Exit House. A miss Lyndsey sees me first and yells my name. Another success- looking popular in front of Blackie and Girl 1. I call Dillon and tell him what happened. I talk to Joe and tell him what happened. The rest of the Exit House was a blur. I decide I need to leave. I walk outside and see Blackie and Girl 1 thinking the same thing. After such a long time at Exit, we decide to make it back to Eagle.

12:00 A. M.) We make it back to Eagle. We tell Girl 1’s roommate what happened. I call the station and ask what the deal is. We traded information. I gave them his name, and they told me in the morning. Well, there was nothing more we could do for him. Hello chuggler. Dancing continues, until it gets really hot. I take off my pants, and girl 1 clothes me. Never do I give up on The Jerk.





1:30 A.M.) After much dancing we decide that Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus sounds like a great idea. We needed to finish it eventually. Blackie gets tired. I tell him he can sleep with me in Girl 1’s bed. He was not having it. So we go next door and ask Convict’s lady friend if Blackie can sleep in there. She questions us about Convict. We don’t want to tell her that he got arrested. She ends up saying only if it was ok with her roommate could Blackie sleep in there. We go back to Girl 1’s room. Five minutes later he goes in and tell her that we asked. Hoorah for lying. Girl 1’s roommate was asleep. It was only Girl 1 and I still awake. The sex scene just occurred on the television screen. One Year was long enough. I decide I need to say something smooth to be able to make out with Girl 1. “Want to make out?” “Ok.” Perfect. We make out for a while. Do I care that girl 1 is best friend’s with the girl I was trying to talk to the night before? The one that ditched me? Not at all. Success. Afterwards we both agree that we won’t tell a soul about us making out. Pssh, no one will ever find out Girl 1.

9:00 A.M.) I wake up to a text from a Mr. Vitaliz. “If you’re up you should come to church with Joe and me at 10:00 at Missio Dei. It’s on the corner of S. Main and Cantrell.” (Sorry about the exactness of that quotation Jack) Indeed I should have gone to that church. I call the station again. They tell me that he won’t be able to be picked up until at least noon.

9:30 A.M.) Blackie comes stumbling into Girl 1’s room. I ask if he can take me to church. Once again, unbeknownst to me, Friday night he ended up having felatio performed on him by a girl that attends his church. Only I could ever make “Can you take me to church” lead to an awkward conversation. Although, he did take me to a Church on the corner of S. Main and Cantrell. It was not Jack’s church, but Kurt’s church. Either way. I did enjoy it, and plan on going back. I suggest you fellow readers should go if you don’t already. Was I still wearing the same clothes I went out in the night before? Yes. Did I ask to be forgiven? Hell yeah I did! Did I rock out to those hymns? Of course.

11:30 A.M.) After walking back to Eagle, I call the station again. “Hahahahaha you won’t be able to pick him up until way later this evening.” So what was there to do? We still hadn’t finished Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. We began to watch the second half, when we all realized. Chinese food would be on point right now. So I’m a sophomore and I should know by now where a decent off campus Chinese food place is… There’s a place in the mall I know of?

2:00 P.M.) After finishing our Chinese food, what could we do? Spencer’s. We needed to buy Convict a gift. The Helmet. The kind that you put your cans into, and can suck out of them through a straw. Perfect. Girl 1 get s a call from an unknown number. I pick it up. “Hello there. This is Harrisonburg Police Department and a “CONVICT” is trying to call you. Press 1 to accept.” I press 1. “Sorry, your phone service is unable to receive the phone call.” Fantastic. Convict wasted his one phone call on us. Five minutes later we get a call from Convict’s lady friend saying that he called her, and could be picked up at 3.

2:45 P.M.) We make our way to downtown Harrisonburg. We get there at three and wait another hour before we can pick him up.

4:00 P.M.) The prisoners are released. As we see everyone else come out strolling in their night time apparel our friend was given the proper treatment. They clothed him and everything. Girl 1, Convict, Me, and Blackie. Yes Blackie has a flat top that says “Fist Pump.” Yes they actually made convict wear an orange jumpsuit. We tell him about his night. He tells us about his. .358 the next morning. Riding in the cop car naked. Worried about going to jail naked. Hospital bed warm. We give him his present.



5:00 P. M.) After retelling the night what else could we do. I still hadn’t finished Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. It was about time…



And that Biddiewatch, is why I should win the Biddiewatch contest."

Things I'm Proud Of

At the hairdresser, I immediately confess I haven't brushed my hair today. Yes, it is two pm. Then he finds a piece of food in my hair. I have no option other than to be extremely proud of this. My life = ?

Snow Acceptance = Creativity

so we've all been screwed by mother nature lately. getting out of class is awesome, but being locked into my house gets old after five days. now that i can exit, i am faced with death as icicles the size of baseball bats hang from the gutter three stories up. don't even get me started on ice potholes.

my last snowpost discussed how laws no longer apply to humanity during natural disasters (considering virginia has to call in the coastguard before they start shoveling, these snowfalls are definite disasters). people have obviously gotten bored of mundane lawbreaking/lock-ins

here are some examples about town:

everyone loves joose, right? i actually thought they had made that stuff illegal. i like to imagine that the person who consumed it is now buried beneath this mountain. safe and sound, of course.

for those of you who wouldn't be able to discern the condition of this car upon immediate viewing, some kind citizen has written it out for you. "stuck."

and last, but most, i got rick rolled. this photo cannot begin to relate to you the size of this message, encompassing one of the isat hills. i applaud you, sir.

Contest!

hello biddiewatchers!

the month of february is approaching, and hopefully this damn snow will cease.

in the hopes of spring, i bring you the first BIDDIEWATCH PHOTO CONTEST.

many of you have gotten in touch with me, telling me awesome/bizarre things you've seen out and about. i started this blog based on poor-quality phonepix taken in haste, and now i implore you to do the same. the next time you experience something weird, take a picture. submit them to me before march first, and they will be entered in the photo contest. the best ones will be featured in an article on biddiewatch, and the top three will win a prize!

good luck!

You Wanted to Know...

http://breezejmu.org/2010/01/14/students-share-passion-for-blogging/

check out this sweet article written by Caitlin Hardgrove! biddiewatch's first publicity stunt.

in other news, start listening to WXJM 88.7 at noon on mondays for my americana show! dj a-money in the house.

now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

i am about to relate to you a tale. a tale of bravery, escape, danger...and most of all, complete and utter debauchery.

my favorite holiday is new year's. picture this: alcohol, friends, little to no social pressure of gift-giving, giant sparkly balls, loud music, making out, and sometimes an entire baked honey ham. how can you not love that? beats me. so in honor of this beautiful man-made holiday based on our fabricated concept of time, i like to have a little rager. it has steadily progressed in levels of insanity over the past seven years. and if that is the exponential trend, i don't think i can ever do this again.

i had the party at my house in woodbridge. it's currently off the market, but there is still no furniture in it...perfect party house. please keep in mind that this party was the leopard lovers' idea. i only invited a few people on facebook because i didn't feel like typing in people's names. at first people thought this meant it was a small event. then they realized i'm just lazy, so word spread like wildfire. i would guestimate through my blurry memories that about 80 people showed up (at its highest point) to my small townhouse.

along with these 80 people was present AT LEAST the following:

15 bottles of champagne

7 handles of liquor

11 cases of beer

5 bottles of wine

and god KNOWS what else.

if you have anything to say about this night, leave it in the comment box. i can only tell you what i know, and it's not much. but let's fastforward to 1 am. kevin gillingham and his buds were on their way to their car to [###########]. on their way, kevin was kissing everyone in sight and saying happy new year. one of these people ended up being a girl from my high school who now attends jmu. unfortunately...she has a boyfriend. kevin claims said kiss was on the cheek, and will probably make this bold claim til his dying day, but that is irrelevant. erin's boyfriend hulks out like no other, and a fight ensues.

i am completely and blissfully unaware that 30 people are outside brawling. i am gallavanting around in a leather dress taking shots of tequila.

until the police show up.

everyone runs inside yelling that the cops have arrived. then we all sit in silence, trying to decide what to do, while the music is still blaring and the cops are attempting to break down the door. at some point i have changed into "pajamas" - consisting of flannel sweatpants, a black bra revealed by white see-through long underwear, somebody's tie, and no shoes. amongst all the advice thrown at me, i only pick out and agree upon one thing. to go outside and be honest with them.

i'm not 21, but i do it anyway.

i don't even remember walking down the stairs, but i do remember my interaction with the two cops. and the glaring porch light. i was too drunk to stand or keep my eyes open, so i lean on the side of the house.

me: helloooooo officers. what seems to be the trouble?

them: THERE WAS A NOISE COMPLAINT WHO ARE YOU! (they were so loud and mean)

me: this is my house. i am SO sorry, just please let us go and i promise we will quiet down.

them: WE KNOW THERE IS UNDERAGE DRINKING GOING ON HERE! (can i get my braces of yet? i am twenty for godsakes)

me: no...listen. i'm twenty one.

...no i'm not.

WAIT. yes i am!

them: ...yeah? YOU'RE 21?! let us inside, show us your id.

me: uh okay.

on my way inside i remember thinking/saying "we're all going to jail". amidst the crowd, i make my way upstairs to get my wallet. but on the way i make the decision that a better option would be to just hide. so i go in my mom's room, turn off the light and lock the door, and sit there in silence. meanwhile, the following:

my best friend tracey, who remembers nothing after ELEVEN, is throwing up and doesn't believe that the cops are here so she is also shouting.

the cops are banging on the door, and i am making shifty eyes and not answering.

they ID everyone they can find...only to realize that this is NOT a high school party and most people are actually of age.

i say "everyone they can FIND" because 12 people are in the basement hiding out in a miniature storage closet with a case of beer and half a cookie. to survive. ie, they are ann frankin' it like NO OTHER. my mom nicknamed this party the alcoholocaust before it even began...i don't think she has ever said anything more accurate.

another fight breaks out in the backyard and the police run out there to break it up. my friend harry (who would like me to inform everyone that he is well-endowed and brave) starts running, thinking this is a good idea. the cops see him and make assumptions about drugs, and a highspeed footrace through the forest ensues. from my room i can see the police spotlights hitting the blinds and casting shadows. the world is ending.

they find joe and some girl and ask them if they are 21. joe says yes, she says no at the same time. the cops catch on, and ask for id's. joe is 20, he gives them his. they don't even believe he's 20 (why would you want a fake that says you are 20?).

them: you know the drinking age is 21 right?

him: uh yeah...

them: so why are you drinking?

him: i dunno. IT'S NEW YEAR'S.

them: fair enough

then...apparently they left. and as soon as they do, they get another noise complaint and come RIGHT BACK. with backup. so now there are two cruisers, and four cops searching my house.

now harry's sister is shouting at them, "i'm a law student and what you are doing is not right!"

then some other stuff happened that i am completely unaware of, but all of a sudden they were gone. we kept raging until 7 am. extremely unsure as to why i didn't get a fine OR go to jail.

oh wait, i know why...

because 2010: THE SHIT, BABY!

Daily Grind Rewind

today was the second first day of school. all my classes are really difficult, but i've met some extremely interesting people to make up for it.

i will give you a list of my favorites.

- a formally-dressed tween who is struggling with acne and who changed his name from jeff to... sky

- my accounting teacher who sounds like the priest from "the princess bride", except underwater and with a definite lisp

- a girl who has ten cats, two of which are half-leopard. she is obviously a leopard tamer.

- a guy who is partying with the patriots next weekend (need to make friends with ASAP so that i can come along)

- a guy who claims that he is currently being filmed for a reality television show

- a cool vegetarian goth girl that wears "dolly parton on crack" wigs and works at cracker barrel

- my history teacher is completely and utterly "this is totally my hat" from my favorite movie of all time, "hot rod"

- a guy (man?) who looks exactly like general custard, complete with curly-q mustache who is in my discussion group. he "takes group work very seriously"

- a guy who knows the person that invented the tollhouse cookie

- a guy who drinks hot sauce out of the bottle

- a guy who wrangles hundreds of pigs into a truck to send them to the processing plants. which made me want a hot dog real bad...shall i try the vegan ones?

every other guy talked about watching sports in the lowest bass they could muster, and every other girl pretended to be shy in order to get attention. but THESE people...are my posse.

New Slate

lesson of the day:

every food is finger food.

as i consider transitioning to a pescatarian, destination: vegan, there is one huge obstacle that stands in my way.

hot dogs.

besides artichoke (my favorite food), the only thing i could never refuse is a hot dog.

hence...i have bought "non-meat" hot dogs to discern whether or not my future is possible.

if they are vomit-inducing, i will be forced to become a hot dog vegan. i would probably have to smuggle them...but who can honestly say no to mystery meat?

am i right?!

coming soon to biddiewatch:

halterman karate institute

new year's jail escape

Movie Reviews

i wish more than all wishes that i could blog about last night. but first i need to fess up to my mom.

i also wish for more wishes.

today began with ihop, a bear necessity. there were a few awkward bathroom encounters that are better told in person. we all realized we didn't want to move or do anything all day, so i suggested we go to the movies. and never leave.

an ideal plan because it encompassed comfortable seating, sleep possibilities, food (including hot dogs), multiple bathrooms and we all needed to catch up on pop culture.

1. princess and the frog

excellent all around. i was too drunk to understand what the firefly was saying. luckily, however, the 5 year old behind me somehow had every word memorized. too disoriented to fathom how this was possible or how much money her parents must make, i dreamed up the first prototypes of a child muzzle that will be hitting walmarts near you in 2021. the only part i didn't like was when i thought they were going to stay frogs forever. thank god they turn back into humans (SPOILER ALERT)! and the shadow things scared the crap out of me. rate that shit PG-13 please...

2. it's complicated

this was a very complicated film. i also found it to be convoluted, difficult, elaborate, entangled, fancy, gasser, hard, hi-tech, interlaced, intricate, involved, knotty,labyrinthine, mega factor, mixed, perplexing,problematic. but don't judge a book by its cover! that guy from "the pink panther" did a great job. this movie also has a lot of food and emotion in it, so come prepared to eat your feelings. which brings me to the "what i ate" segment of this post:

1 nachos, 1 hot dog, 1 large popcorn, 1 bunch-a-crunch (blast from the past?!) and 3 large cokes.

LARGE.

i was hopped up like no other. i tried to get a different drink the third time - i said "i got the wrong thing, could i get a coke zero?" because my regular coke tasted like hairspray. the guy left my normal coke in there and topped it off with coke zero.

mix drink nastiness central.

3. alvin & the chipmunks: the squeakuel

hands down BEST FILM OF 2010. gettin the soundtrack fo sho. being attracted to chipmunks was confusing, but there were also a lot of asians in the film so i got what i needed human-wise. we had planned to leave halfway through to catch avatar in 3D (my favorite type of movie), but it was so good that we stayed. i doubt i will ever see avatar because everyone i know has already formulated an opinion for me - "BEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN, DUDE!"

i feel comfortable having avatar conversations with the best of them.

that's all you need to know about goings-on in the world. if you go see sherlock holmes, be sure to have your ticket ready to present to the usher. we got kicked out, but 7 hours were well-spent today. i might even be so daring as to call it the best day of this decade!