Biddiewatch: Biddiewatch PHOTO Contest

well guys, february is halfway over. i've gotten some pretty good photo submissions, but i'm not sure if any can compare to the essay submission i received from harry hicock. folks, this is a PHOTO competition so you can still win (without the essay portion).
and now, i present to you (with much anticipation), a story from my good friend harry hicock.

"Dear Biddiewatch,
My name is Harry Hicock. Although, I’m sure you will get plenty of crazy stories for your contest, I think I have the winner. It started off the night of the newbie party. But before this odyssey unfolds, there are a couple things you should know about me. 1) The last girl I made out with was yours truly, an exact year earlier, the same night as the newbie party. 2) I was ditched the night before by the girl I was trying to “talk” to. And so it goes…

8:00 P.M.) It was me, girl 1, girl 1’s roommate, convict, and blackie. (Note- not real names being used) We started off watching Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. If you have had the misfortune of existing without seeing this remarkable work of art, I suggest you go see it before reading any further. After an hour or so of the movie, I realize I have fallen helpless to sleep.

9:00 P.M.) I wake up, and see that the others are asleep as well. 9:00? Perfect time to catch my flies for Bio 224.

10:00 P.M.) I return to Eagle Hall to start a night of epic proportions. Unbeknownst to myself, there is such a thing called a chuggler, and such a drink called a Mickey’s. My fellow comrades had already started. Convict had a whole bottle of Jack to himself. Blackie and Girl 1 both had some Captain and some of the Silver Bullet. I couldn’t let them be disappointed. I needed to catch up.

10:45 P.M.) Success. As Convict had finished his bottle in those 45 minutes I too became quite unable to control myself. Blackie and Convict both decide to show me their dance moves. I do say, the Chain Saw grew on me. It was nothing compared to the Jerk I’ve been mastering since I was a young lad. Convict’s lady friend just happens to be Girl 1’s next door neighbor. Convict needed to say his farewell before we journeyed off to the land of Newbie Party.

10:55 P.M.) Convict used the worst pick up line known to man. As Blackie and I were talking to Convict’s lady friend about a banana, Convict thought it would be appropriate to tell her “You’re the ripest.” Time to Go.

11:00 P.M.) As we leave Eagle, some kid has the audacity to not only moon any on comers from the fourth floor, but to be completely naked next to his guy friend in the same room. Sounds like a win-win to me. It did not sound like a win-win to Convict as he decided his manhood would be abolished if he did not scream obscenities to this mooner. Blackie told Convict that all would be o.k. if he threw his banana at Moon. He threw his banana at mooner. Manhood was restored. As we continued to venture onwards, Convict continued stumbling. Girl 1 realized Convict would not be able to make it to the Newbie Party walking. She was correct. She went back inside Eagle to get Blackie’s car keys. As we waited for her, Convict fell and sprawled eagle. Tonight was going to be a fun night. Soon afterwards he ran the length of the parking garage? Probably another test of his manhood. Girl 1 finally returned and we were off again.

11:30) We arrive at Greenberries. So close to the land of Newbie Party. Convict falls again. Girl 1’s concern for him grow exponentially. Blackie, Girl 1, and I walk to the other side of the parking lot. I reassure her, if he can walk to us without falling over he’ll be good to go to the party, if not, we’ll take him back to Eagle.

We begin to yell his name as if we were searching for our lost puppy. He hears. He sees. He runs. Usually when people run from one place to another it’s in a straight line. It’s the shortest distance between two points. Now that I think about it, for all he knew, he was running a straight line instead of arch. Surprisingly he made it to us-almost. At the last possible second Convict fell. Don’t worry guys, his face broke his fall. At this point in time the cops happened to drive by. Girl 1 dipped out. Blackie and I try getting Convict on his feet. The cops turn into the parking lot. Blackie dips out. I tell him “Convict, if you don’t run with me right now you’re getting arrested.” He understands. He takes one step, and falls again. The cops park behind me. I did all I could. And so I ran from the cops, the second time this month (read earlier Biddiewatch blogs for more details).

11:35 P.M.) After watching Blackie hurdle the creek and Girl 1 run through the creek on our escape I do everything I can to get rid of the cops. I catch up to Blackie and Girl 1. We can see the party in the distance. Before we go, we make a three-way pact. We put our hands together and all say that it was none of our faults. It was sealed, a fun night we could have. We arrive through the back of the Exit House. A miss Lyndsey sees me first and yells my name. Another success- looking popular in front of Blackie and Girl 1. I call Dillon and tell him what happened. I talk to Joe and tell him what happened. The rest of the Exit House was a blur. I decide I need to leave. I walk outside and see Blackie and Girl 1 thinking the same thing. After such a long time at Exit, we decide to make it back to Eagle.

12:00 A. M.) We make it back to Eagle. We tell Girl 1’s roommate what happened. I call the station and ask what the deal is. We traded information. I gave them his name, and they told me in the morning. Well, there was nothing more we could do for him. Hello chuggler. Dancing continues, until it gets really hot. I take off my pants, and girl 1 clothes me. Never do I give up on The Jerk.

1:30 A.M.) After much dancing we decide that Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus sounds like a great idea. We needed to finish it eventually. Blackie gets tired. I tell him he can sleep with me in Girl 1’s bed. He was not having it. So we go next door and ask Convict’s lady friend if Blackie can sleep in there. She questions us about Convict. We don’t want to tell her that he got arrested. She ends up saying only if it was ok with her roommate could Blackie sleep in there. We go back to Girl 1’s room. Five minutes later he goes in and tell her that we asked. Hoorah for lying. Girl 1’s roommate was asleep. It was only Girl 1 and I still awake. The sex scene just occurred on the television screen. One Year was long enough. I decide I need to say something smooth to be able to make out with Girl 1. “Want to make out?” “Ok.” Perfect. We make out for a while. Do I care that girl 1 is best friend’s with the girl I was trying to talk to the night before? The one that ditched me? Not at all. Success. Afterwards we both agree that we won’t tell a soul about us making out. Pssh, no one will ever find out Girl 1.

9:00 A.M.) I wake up to a text from a Mr. Vitaliz. “If you’re up you should come to church with Joe and me at 10:00 at Missio Dei. It’s on the corner of S. Main and Cantrell.” (Sorry about the exactness of that quotation Jack) Indeed I should have gone to that church. I call the station again. They tell me that he won’t be able to be picked up until at least noon.

9:30 A.M.) Blackie comes stumbling into Girl 1’s room. I ask if he can take me to church. Once again, unbeknownst to me, Friday night he ended up having felatio performed on him by a girl that attends his church. Only I could ever make “Can you take me to church” lead to an awkward conversation. Although, he did take me to a Church on the corner of S. Main and Cantrell. It was not Jack’s church, but Kurt’s church. Either way. I did enjoy it, and plan on going back. I suggest you fellow readers should go if you don’t already. Was I still wearing the same clothes I went out in the night before? Yes. Did I ask to be forgiven? Hell yeah I did! Did I rock out to those hymns? Of course.

11:30 A.M.) After walking back to Eagle, I call the station again. “Hahahahaha you won’t be able to pick him up until way later this evening.” So what was there to do? We still hadn’t finished Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. We began to watch the second half, when we all realized. Chinese food would be on point right now. So I’m a sophomore and I should know by now where a decent off campus Chinese food place is… There’s a place in the mall I know of?

2:00 P.M.) After finishing our Chinese food, what could we do? Spencer’s. We needed to buy Convict a gift. The Helmet. The kind that you put your cans into, and can suck out of them through a straw. Perfect. Girl 1 get s a call from an unknown number. I pick it up. “Hello there. This is Harrisonburg Police Department and a “CONVICT” is trying to call you. Press 1 to accept.” I press 1. “Sorry, your phone service is unable to receive the phone call.” Fantastic. Convict wasted his one phone call on us. Five minutes later we get a call from Convict’s lady friend saying that he called her, and could be picked up at 3.

2:45 P.M.) We make our way to downtown Harrisonburg. We get there at three and wait another hour before we can pick him up.

4:00 P.M.) The prisoners are released. As we see everyone else come out strolling in their night time apparel our friend was given the proper treatment. They clothed him and everything. Girl 1, Convict, Me, and Blackie. Yes Blackie has a flat top that says “Fist Pump.” Yes they actually made convict wear an orange jumpsuit. We tell him about his night. He tells us about his. .358 the next morning. Riding in the cop car naked. Worried about going to jail naked. Hospital bed warm. We give him his present.