Everyone Needs To Know.

shout out to my friend Kevin Weyant.

pure genius:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCSyCJIUDfc&feature=channel_page

So, There's That.

i regret to inform you that this is going to be a lengthy entry since i've been on a hiatus gathering material. also i pierced my belly button.

quick blurb:

note-oriety's final show is this saturday at 3 pm. i get to say the word semen. so you should come. and see that. ...yeah.

also, DESPERATELY WANTED: i need skateboard lessons if i am to complete current projects. can someone hook me up?

in other news, i have lived up to my reputation as unusual by somehow managing to turn the left side of my mouth into raw meat. thanks, braces. more importantly, however, this cheek is now swollen to twice its normal thickness...making me look like i have down syndrome. closing my mouth is uncomfortable, as is any form of facial expression. so next time you see me, and my mouth is hanging open a little and i'm drooling, i guess what you're gonna wanna do is make out with me.

can someone tell me anything about friday night? thanks.

story time!

QUAD BRIAN:

this is an old story but needs to be published before it is too outdated.

scene: preview day. sitting on ground with gigi and shannon.

we spot a young man riding a bicycle. at the speed of negative two mph. yes, it is possible. BUT - he is the happiest person i have ever seen. he is smiling and looking around and wobbling some, and is wearing rayban sunglasses.

he turns his bicycle around in two circles. in place.

still smiling.

he come over and sits down right next to me.

"hi i'm brian and i'm feeling extra friendly today!"

i think to myself: this is the best day of my life. keep in mind that this is pre-biddiewatch, and perhaps the catalyst into my journalism career.

a chorus of "hey brian!"

relatively normal conversation, except that he is complaining about the pianos in the music building and is a business major.

"are you guys on drugs?"

...

WHAT.

"um, no. are you?"

instead of saying yes or no, brian looks at us and wiggles his fingers in front of his face. as if he is playing an invisible pan flute.

then he gets up...walks away...and takes ten minutes to complete the trek down the quad on his slow-motion bicycle. i like to think he thought he was going the speed of light.

CLEMENTINE'S:

so on wednesday i go pick up my bff from home, tracey. we go to dinner. 

on our way toward the restaurant, we spot a wooden structure right outside.

just as i am thinking "wtf", a man approaches us.

"do you know what this is?"

"no! i was actually just thinking that is the weirdest piece of -"

"IT'S A PORTABLE CHICKEN COOP!"

"what the..."

"see, the chickens can move around on their very own! they can go down here and walk around, or go up THERE and walk around! you can ventilate it, and most of all it is portable! isn't that wild?"

quite tame.

it doesn't have wheels.

what?

"what are you guys doing at 8 pm?"

"eating dinner."

"well come see our presentation!"

"okay, crazy guy."

as we walk into clementine's, we see the following, confirming our greatest hopes.

obviously, we attend. we snuck in and were the only non-townies. we wished we were 21. what is the presentation, you ask?

there is a man playing songs on the acoustic guitar. no singing. and behind him is a masterpiece. there is one powerpoint slide - with a picture of a chicken. titled "urban chicken."

there is no spoken word. just the lone chicken and the man with guitar. we learned nothing, but i was not disappointed. it was all run by a twelve year old. i'm still confused about the entire ordeal, honestly. on the way out, we got clucked at.

RICKY:

this weekend i was home for chorale's tour, so i met up with some friends. we go to get mcflurries. i place my order with ricky.

he had the most inaudible voice i've ever heard in my life. my total was "                      ." thank god a screen was able to show me the damage in numeric form. needless to say, i could not keep a straight face and needed to take advantage of this. i told tracey to go say she wanted some sauce. meaning he would have to ask which kind. she said "what do you have?" and he listed them all. mouthing the words. i know for a fact nothing was wrong with ricky, so this was not cruel or uncalled for. he was a nice, sensitive soul. they were out of honey mustard, so we went with ranch. but thinking about ricky led to...

IGOR:

i triple dog dared myself.

i texted him and said "yo!"

then "whatchu doinnnn?"

it went so much better than i expected. he called me. and upon hearing his voice, i was reminded that borat also hails from kazakhstan. on the money.

"who ees dis?"

"it's allison!"

"allison? allison, you say you call LAST weekend. vy you no call? you call me now? vy?"

he is actually a little mad.

"i just wanted to say hello!"

"tell me vat you are doeenk now."

"i'm in dc."

"ah vell you call me ven you get back, yes?"

"of course!"

for the rest of the night he sent me hilarious text messages that made no sense. mission accomplished.

my weekend as a picture book:

ranch.

this is how ice cream places are decorated in the hood.

we tried sushi covered in chocolate sauce, strawberries, and whipped cream.

i looked over and it had all been licked off and disassembled.

also, it was nast.

...the only marking this truck had was GOD. that's it. incredible.

peace.

I've Really Let Myself Go.

let's talk about this weekend, shall we?

FRIDAY:

ten shots in one hour.

then to the exit house.

problem #1: i thought the new cool thing to do was the hand symbol for "OK".

this is, in fact, NOT ok. especially because i found it appropriate to just stare at people while doing it. without actually saying anything. later found out sarah smith encouraged this. frangit.

problem #2: i now cannot stop doing this. i use it in regular conversation and run-ins with ex-boyfriends. it needs to stop. immediately.

at least i started to catch myself while doing it.

but tino. still.

problem #3: i made out with someone from kazakhstan.

...afterward i found out his name was igor.

IGOR, PEOPLE!

and if you don't see a problem with this, stop reading my blog.

problem #4: i don't usually get annoyed with people, but ever since then people have gotten in my face about him being ugly. at least he was tall! and i must say it's better than me following around someone i actually know that evening. i have the following to say to those people:

a. bad friends.

b. did you even see him?

c. rumors.

d. drunk.

e. he started it...

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY:

f. i have a hilarious story about a guy named igor and drunken shenanigans. i am actually slightly proud of this accomplishment. while i have made out with countless insignificant men, knowing that one of them is named igor is hilarious beyond comprehension and makes for good blogging. i have sacrificed moral responsibility and tact to make this blog entertaining, and i'm sticking to this new philosophy. because my life is about ten times as hilarious.

SATURDAY:

i went out with the following in mind - "tonight has to be better than last night. and include better looking foreign people."

in some ways, this was accomplished.

better because:

a. i looked rull good.

b. i spent it with verducci.

c. saw some hos.

foreign people:

david ray walked me to the bus stop. i rode the drunk bus alone, trying to get to stonegate. so i got off on neff knowing i'd have to walk a little, but not far.

...not neff.

UNIVERSITY.

here i am, on university blvd. wearing 4-inch heels and alone. trying to get to stonegate. not even drunk (wth).

then i notice two other people got off with me. both in all pink. both male.

jackpot.

"hey guys...not to be a creeper buy can i walk with you for a second?"

"TOTALLY! we don't even GO here. we go to vcu and odu. ...where are we?"

hence, foreigners.

martha layman came to rescue me while i left them heading in the direction of walmart (a place they called "sunchase").

i hope they survived.

SUNDAY:

note, this actually all happened on saturday afternoon. but i like to pretend that my weekend fun was spread out proportionally.

let me set the scene.

i have just spent an hour in festival letting someone put fairy make-up on me. aka i am wearing purple lipstick, have feathers in my hair, and jewels on my face. i have no shoes on. i am wearing a white dress.

what could make this any better, you ask?

finding someone with alcohol poisoning.

the following occurs.

i am sitting in my car, waiting for people to come out so that we can drive to the arboretum for our note-oriety photo shoot. i look over and see some guy lying on the sidewalk with his arms over his face, coughing and spitting to the side now and then. it is 4 pm. i think to myself (or out loud), "THAT GUY HAS ALCOHOL POISONING! AWESOME!!!" so i take a picture with my phone.

classy individual that i am, i decide i should go check on this ailing person.

in fairy attire. inner monologue: man, if this guy is wasted, he is about to have the trip of a lifetime.

i stand over him. he is coughing a great deal.

"hey...are you okay?"

hands over his face.

"yeah...yeah, i'm fine"

he removes his hands.

...it is joel gerlach.

"...JOEL?! what the hell are you doing?"

"woah, um hey. i just get really winded coming up this hill..."

"wait, you aren't drunk? what? why are you coughing? i came over because i thought you had alcohol poisoning and needed help!"

"no, i just needed to lie down for a second."

"okay...sorry i'm wearing purple lipstick. bye."

and that was my weekend.

biddiewatch has improved my life.

Leopard Lovers

a lot has transpired in the past day or so. but i have something much more exciting to blog about.

wedding plans.

(for my mother).

backstory: so my mom met this guy gregory eric von shoenborn on e-harmony. he is a musician and a hippie that lives in a condo with his cat, dino. my mom has hence turned into a hippie and they are madly in love and party and go to rock concerts and eat organic food and stuff.

also, as a result, my mom can now send pic-msgs. this is highly amusing as they are mostly pictures of greg drinking a beer. actually, they take picture of each other at the same time and send them to me with captions like "your mom is hot."

also, they share skinnyjeans and have matching cowboy boots. i told them this was completely homosexual. greg said he is gay and proud.

picmsg:

i didn't really want them to set the date during the braces epidemic, but their love knows no bounds. i have been bombarded with texts since i have to set the date...IN APRIL. also i'm walking my own mother down the aisle. her dad is still alive...

e-mail received today:

"Hi sweetie.

We sort of jacked up the wedding ceremony. We will get a justice of the peace to come to the house and do a ceremony outside on the patio.

We will probably have 15 to 20 friends and that's it.

Cook some burgers, irritate the neighbors and have a simple good time and consume mass quantities. Anyway, the same goes for you and any friends you want to bring. Bring em on. I will stay at a friend's the night before and you girls can be alone.

NO NUDE AFRICAN DANCERS FROM NIGERIA! NO WAY!

We want it simple and no expenses and lots of down home food and be very Irish with dancing and drinking and laughing and buckets of love.

So get your dates together because I'M ABOUT TO BE YOUR STEPPING DAD! AND I WANT A DAMN FATHER'S DAY CARD.

Your mom is the bomb.

xxxxxxx Father Greg."

this is the most normal e-mail i've ever gotten from greg. considering the last one included a picture he edited of he and my mom entitled "leopard lovers"...

so there's that.

(completely normal for them).

sometimes they drunk dial me, so i've taken to reciprocating this.

yesterday:

"hey honey, what's up?"

"i'm gettin' DRUNK!"

"oh...okay, well have fun."

"i'm about to do an irish car bomb!!!"

"don't mess with caffeine like that!"

"no mom...you're thinking of jaegerbombs."

"oh. well on the subject of drinking, i'd like to talk to you about water poisoning."

[we talk about water poisoning and its accompanying dangers]

[by this point i'm getting belligerent]

"don't worry mom! there will be NO water involved tonight...JUST BEER! so rest easy. i will call you tooo-mawrrr-ooooh."

"k honey love you!"

water poisoning is a deadly danger, my friends. it can lead to fainting and even expiration.

this reminds me of a time when a radio station in nova had a water chugging contest for wii's...the woman didn't make it.

neither did that radio station.

i could probably talk about the elizabeth-greg shenanigans forever. like how they were totes drunk at city of angels. and how my mom might make the wedding a facebook event, even though she doesn't know what that is. and how this wedding is basically a cookout where we will all get drunkskies and sing slow-mo versions of "i'm on a boat."

i'll save my dad and his wife for another day.

my parents are hippes.

my life is gangsta.

wedding is april 19th for anyone interested!