Leopard Lovers

a lot has transpired in the past day or so. but i have something much more exciting to blog about.

wedding plans.

(for my mother).

backstory: so my mom met this guy gregory eric von shoenborn on e-harmony. he is a musician and a hippie that lives in a condo with his cat, dino. my mom has hence turned into a hippie and they are madly in love and party and go to rock concerts and eat organic food and stuff.

also, as a result, my mom can now send pic-msgs. this is highly amusing as they are mostly pictures of greg drinking a beer. actually, they take picture of each other at the same time and send them to me with captions like "your mom is hot."

also, they share skinnyjeans and have matching cowboy boots. i told them this was completely homosexual. greg said he is gay and proud.

picmsg:

i didn't really want them to set the date during the braces epidemic, but their love knows no bounds. i have been bombarded with texts since i have to set the date...IN APRIL. also i'm walking my own mother down the aisle. her dad is still alive...

e-mail received today:

"Hi sweetie.

We sort of jacked up the wedding ceremony. We will get a justice of the peace to come to the house and do a ceremony outside on the patio.

We will probably have 15 to 20 friends and that's it.

Cook some burgers, irritate the neighbors and have a simple good time and consume mass quantities. Anyway, the same goes for you and any friends you want to bring. Bring em on. I will stay at a friend's the night before and you girls can be alone.

NO NUDE AFRICAN DANCERS FROM NIGERIA! NO WAY!

We want it simple and no expenses and lots of down home food and be very Irish with dancing and drinking and laughing and buckets of love.

So get your dates together because I'M ABOUT TO BE YOUR STEPPING DAD! AND I WANT A DAMN FATHER'S DAY CARD.

Your mom is the bomb.

xxxxxxx Father Greg."

this is the most normal e-mail i've ever gotten from greg. considering the last one included a picture he edited of he and my mom entitled "leopard lovers"...

so there's that.

(completely normal for them).

sometimes they drunk dial me, so i've taken to reciprocating this.

yesterday:

"hey honey, what's up?"

"i'm gettin' DRUNK!"

"oh...okay, well have fun."

"i'm about to do an irish car bomb!!!"

"don't mess with caffeine like that!"

"no mom...you're thinking of jaegerbombs."

"oh. well on the subject of drinking, i'd like to talk to you about water poisoning."

[we talk about water poisoning and its accompanying dangers]

[by this point i'm getting belligerent]

"don't worry mom! there will be NO water involved tonight...JUST BEER! so rest easy. i will call you tooo-mawrrr-ooooh."

"k honey love you!"

water poisoning is a deadly danger, my friends. it can lead to fainting and even expiration.

this reminds me of a time when a radio station in nova had a water chugging contest for wii's...the woman didn't make it.

neither did that radio station.

i could probably talk about the elizabeth-greg shenanigans forever. like how they were totes drunk at city of angels. and how my mom might make the wedding a facebook event, even though she doesn't know what that is. and how this wedding is basically a cookout where we will all get drunkskies and sing slow-mo versions of "i'm on a boat."

i'll save my dad and his wife for another day.

my parents are hippes.

my life is gangsta.

wedding is april 19th for anyone interested!