I Went Grocery Shopping

friday:

i went to the smokin' pig, which was the best choice ever. when i went back in to buy more fried pickles, they gave me a free meal. so that was awesome.

then i had to go to the dance concert. what occurred there cannot be described in words. just know that i was trying so hard to stifle laughter that the girl in front of me (who was black-out) was hitting my leg repeatedly because she was trying to comfort me. said hitting was really loud and inappropriate.

then i came home and grabbed my medicine from the backseat. i came inside and set everything down. then i could not find my medicine. i spent two hours looking for it, instead of just giving up.

during the hunt, i spent some time retracing my steps from the car. i saw something on the lawn. i picked it up. it was a pair of underwear.

...

a pair of MY underwear.

how did it get there? i've never had that pair anywhere other than on my person or in my drawer (or the laundry). truly baffling.

today (monday):

other than my car getting wrecked, it was a pretty good day.

meghan was kind enough to take me to walmart. which is always an experience. but the very best part was seeing this woman shove her child aside forcefully with a determined look in her eye. as the child was midair, the woman walked with a purpose toward the freezer door.

it was the cool whip section.

i love good parenting in action.

then on the way to my house, we saw a young man run into the street and sit on the hood of someone's car. they drove him to his destination.

how very kind.

Realization

today i noted something about the status of our pantry. usually, my shelf is the most full. no longer.
the only things i have to eat are as following:
chocolate covered cashews
popcorn
three cans of butternut squash soup
peanut butter
hot chocolate mix
4 different kinds of cheese

and that is it. i would appreciate it if anyone had a suggestion as to what i could make with the aforementioned ingredients.

lately i've been doing homework. today i attempted music theory. it was a workbook assignment with three different pages.
i turned to the first page...it was ripped out. i thought that was kinda weird.
i turned to the second...also ripped out.
the third...you guessed it.
the strange thing about this is that i bought this workbook brand new in a plastic wrapper. i do not use it. i do not go to class. so i ask you - where are these pages? did a future version of myself time travel back here to retrieve them? if so, why?
and ONLY those pages are missing.

whenever i need something to write about, all i need to do is go to my physics class.
yesterday:
we spent ten minutes trying to discern where in the equation our teacher messed up. this is a previously-prepared powerpoint, mind you. he enlisted our help because he himself could not locate the error.
by the time we found it, i was way too lost to even know what the answer meant.
after that tirade, we continued talking about science-y things. until all of a sudden, captain crunch decides to talk about fate and destiny. and its metaphorical relationship to light particles. which haven't even been proven to exist.
this information is not test-friendly. our pre-destined future cannot be questioned via multiple-choice.
all the while, my car was being flooded by the everpresent hurricane harrisonburg. i left the sunroof open in the hopes that the sun would shine. it went poorly for all involved.

To Be Continued...

i will need a long post to describe the happenings of this weekend, particularly the [not so] holy matrimony of the leopard lovers.

but for now i leave you with this -

i was just writing an e-mail saying "next tuesday is great!". as soon as i had finished the word tuesday, one of those error boxes came up. you know, the ones that are like "are you sure you want to navigate away from this page? data will be lost."

except this one said:

"You have perfect spelling."

...that's it.

i do not know from whence this message came. or why. aol mail is truly not that sophisticated. in addition to the fact that "tuesday" is not the most impressive word i can spell. why then? why at all? and more importantly...

HOW?

cyberspace is officially hitting on me.

Productivity.

today i went to physics, which in itself is a strange occurrence.

we learned about cameras. which means i missed all the lectures with difficult material.

cameras led to the topic of eyes.

then my teacher talked about laser eye surgery for ten minutes.

a story he has already told me.

this led to the topic of magic eye.

i have never successfully experienced magic eye, but i do know that the following is false:

annoying guy: "is the point of normal like magic eye?"

prof: "what is magic eye."

crazy girl: "!!! it's where you hold this paper up to your eye and when you move it away, it puts you in another DIMENSION."

no clue what happened next because i completely lost it.

i know not the wonders of magic eye, but i am relatively certain that they only exist in our dimension and do not create a new world in which they can function freely upon successful completion.

i mean, paper mario is a close call. but magic eye is a piece of paper.

with squiggles on it.

if anyone else has experienced the unusual phenomenon of being propelled into another dimension by a seemingly harmless magic eye, give me a ring and i'll reconsider this factual theory.

1 New Notification

Dear Earth,

What are you doing with your life? Please get your act together. It rains every day and the burg smells like dogfood. It is supposed to be spring where everyone becomes twitterpatted. This is impossible if

a. it is raining nonstop (you can't go outside - can't meet anyone)

b. even if it's not raining, the ground is wet from raining (can't wear cute cute shoes or sit on the quad - can't meet anyone)

c. the air is stained with the putrid smell of puppy chow (who wants to be exposed to that? are you kidding me?! - can't meet anyone)

d. science has proven that rain sabotages all hair, makeup, and clothing attempts (can't be shallow - can't meet anyone)

But in all seriousness...Seriously?! You know things are in a state of disarray when I'm trying to have an intervention with a celestial object.

Thank you for your time,

Allison Kinney

P.S. - You have 24 hours to fix this before I get the powers-that-be involved.

I mean business, #$%@*&er.

Cauliflower

today i saw a real live bear on the side of the highway.
it was black.
i wanted to race it, but it seemed preoccupied.

also, my room reeks of nail polish. i am concerned because i don't even know where my nailpolish is.

then tracey called and we talked for about 30 minutes about how to make a fingernail-sized lifepedia for challenged people such as ourselves. what is banking? are voo doo doctors included on taxes? how much wood would a woodchuck chuck? who sets up those long lines of orange cones on the highway that i adoringly refer to as "the trail of tears"?
i want answers. so really i need to find someone who knows all the answers so i can exploit their knowledge by creating my book. and get money.
i'm hoping that those pellets that turn into foam dinosaurs when submerged in water still exist. and i hope that it is possible to make lifepedias that way. so that they are portable at all times of curiosity or emergency.

let me know if you have any leads.

A Streetcar Named FML

instead of really drawn out stories of the crazy poop that goes on in the burg, i'm going to do this blurb style. i've been gathering material for weeks now, so there's really no other option.

get it together, tdu:
you know an event is successful when 5 people come to it.
or it could be that the event is sponsoring something completely mythical, such as domestic violence.
all attendees were members of earth club.
note-oriety is supposed to sing some man-hating songs and whatnot, but we have to wait for one other act.
said act is a two person metal band. guy 1: quite possibly a close relative of JMU's resident homeless person. or one in the same. with an acoustic guitar somehow made into something louder. guy 2: younger dude screaming "free your mind."

his instrument was banging his head on the piano and screaming into a drumset, but not actually playing it. sorry the pictures of him were all blurry because he was thrashing.

midi files in the background?
please, if you know these guys, get me their e-mail or something. i truly would like to market their absurdity. watching notegirls' reactions was beyond amusing.

midsummernote's dream:
i labeled my mom's seat as "leopard lover." in duct tape. she stuck it on her purse and i think it's still there.
in other news, i was at my mom and greg's last night and there is a lifesize picture of me on the wall.
these are the types of things you warn people about?

mike's:
picking up keg for note's after party. standing playing nosey with joe, the usual. this girl is staring at us and starts telling me to watch out. i'm like "oh, that guy in there buying the keg is 21, thanks though!"
she was talking about joe.
she thought i was drunk and joe was trying to hit it.
i guess if you don't know us, things could be perceived that way. but i've never though of it, because everyone knows me and joe. or at least one of us. which explains pretty much everything.
joe and i get in the car to wait because it is cold, and this guy comes out of mike's. we think he's about to light up, but instead he does an elaborate interpretive dance portraying the act of smoking. either that or he was literally just grooving for a good twenty minutes. we took turns wearing my sunglasses so we could laugh at this clown. one of the funniest things i've ever seen -video soon to be on youtube, joe?

but even better, i saw him the next week at mr. j's with a scarf wrapped around each of his limbs and his head. no dancing though.


william:
at kline's part deux (the cold time), brittany showed up with bryce and this guy william. i'm pretty sure no one knew william except for maybe bryce, but bryce is friendly enough that this could be false. he's just kinda chillin with us, introducing himself to everyone and not eating ice cream. then he says something about going to ladies' night at the roller rink and unbuttons his jacket to reveal a sequinned dress.

yup.
it is at this moment that i have deja vu...and remember that i've met him before.
at dhall, josh was asking really loud and inappropriate questions about female hygiene. the people behind us are obviously eavesdropping, so we combine tables. one of these people is william. he asks us these questions:
"if you were a canned good, what would you be?"
and
"if you were a bridge, what kind would you be and between what objects?"
his answer was a hug between two strangers meeting for the first time.
this now does not surprise me in the slightest seeing as how the only interactions i've witnessed from him are with strangers.
he then proceeded to ask a straight-up biddie if she was "done with that" on her way to the tray return.
she ignored him.
he followed her to the tray return and took her plate off of it.
william's tight.

natty is the classiest beverage around:
david found this unopened on a car in prun, so obviously he drank it.
this started poorly.

thank you, jmu, and goodnight.

Well, That Escalated Quickly.

yesterday was laura macinski's 21st birthday.
i devised a plan for my life. i decided to go to the ring premiere ball in the hopes of finding a husband. i ended up flirting with someone by the fried shrimp who had a lisp. so i left.
back to the birthday.
i go to the artful dodger, meeting up with a bunch of note girls and bringing kelly along.
i sign up to sing "doo wop (that thing)" by lauryn hill. karaoke night.
by sing, i mean rap while chelsea sings.
all of a sudden, twenty townies are crowding around, bumping and grinding. we kicked ass.
we leave the stage.
we go back to our table.
the townies come over. after creepy old men ask how old i am and are disappointed, i tell them it is laura's birthday. they rave about how awesome we are. i was told very sincerely that i was special. sincere to the point that i suspected she was being sarcastic. but she was drunk, so i'll take it.
the point of the story is that all of these townies gave us a crapton of money. someone put a twenty in laura's hand while she was singing. i got ten bucks to buy laura a drink. and in that way, our night escalated to one that was lucrative, a little drunk, and overall incredible. i left at eleven - there were at least 60 bucks on the table.
they stayed there much longer.
i will be there every tuesday doing the same song. and that is how i am going to pay for sustenance and my education.

skadoosh.