Let me spin you a saga.
Once upon a time, I lived with three goth strangers. I made this decision after many celebratory day drinks, and didn't even check to see where the bathroom was. The goths were scary and didn't know how to clean anything. They ate expired food and wore ripped clothes. They had many pets. I locked my door for two weeks and then I moved out and left behind a napkin note.
"Thanks for sharing your home with me!"
Home is a very loose term for scary warehouse cave futon place.
Then I moved in with the good Shannon, who I love and adore. Here I learned a few things:
a. Polish people are insane.
b. Always read your lease.
c. Do not let old people hear you cursing. Because they have supersonic hearing.
Let me briefly elaborate on this mini-epoc. Not reading a lease will 100% guarantee that you don't know the rules of your apartment. In this case, AC units were apparently illegal without written permission. After a full day of the AC unit leaking and causing ceiling damage in the apartment below unbeknownst to us, our landlady came a-knocking and a-screaming. A heinous bitch, one might say. After 10 minutes of ignoring her broken english and absurd claims, she left. Shannon was civil toward her, and I refused to deal with her bullshit. When she closed the door to leave, I dropped the F-Bomb. In the privacy of my own home, mind you. She stormed back in and told us we had 30 days to get out. She even brought her husband to back her up. He stood 5 feet back and nodded. He spoke absolutely no English. I have a great impression of her if you ever meet me in person.
As we all know, you cannot get evicted for being rude. However, you can get evicted for breaking your lease.
So Shannon found a new place while I was at work. Our movers were two absurd black guys who blasted rap music wherever they went. We paid them under the table, and one of them gave me his demo. He also did a live demonstration to which i tried to do gangster dancing. Shannon finding this place without me there was convenient because I didn't have to do anything, but also a bad idea because I discovered after moving in that it took me an hour and 40 minutes to get to work. Not exactly a New York minute. Also, the landlady was another Polish freak who spied on all of her tenants and sat on the stoop for twelve hours a day to see everyone and everything. The last straw was when she let herself into the apartment unannounced with a phone repair guy. I was only wearing a towel and she made me move furniture around. So I clearly and sadly had to move out into the world as a lone wolf once again, in search of a normal American living situation.
Then I met Craig. I'm not sure if you've heard about Craig, but he has this great list of anything you could ever want! Definitely a stand-up guy, and pretty easy to read. He really helped me out this summer, and told me about this apartment in Williamsburg on my favorite street.
I went to visit this little palace, and fell in love. IKEA wardrobe, wood floors, and something completely foreign to me called "Air Conditioning". It's where cold air gets blown around in your room! No one in New York has heard of this rare, new technology so I'm really ahead of the curve here. My roommate is a really cool ex-vegan and feeds me liquor sometimes. She works for the Wall Street Journal and is probably reading this right now! I should probably say something smart.
...
I'm living with a cat named Jones, too. He's crazy! We get along great, but things have been a little awkward because he walked in on me naked the other day.
And there you have the condensed version of how I moved 4 times in one month. This post is mainly the vessel to post the highly-requested photos depicting the goth abode, so enjoy!
An EPIC post is coming your way soon! Get excited!
Updates:
- I died my hair red.
- I went to a lesbian bar.
- I saw a Passion Pit show.
- I got lost in a sketchy neighborhood.
- I grabbed someone's boob on the subway thinking it was the pole.
- I drank a tube of 50 oz of beer.
Those are all pretty good stories, but not good enough to spin a blog about (except maybe the lesbian bar).
So this weekend is my first 4th of July in America. This is because I usually visit my dad in Switzerland for the summer. He used to take me to these corny rodeos in Switzerland to make up for it. All the Swiss people would go to make fun of Americans. Hot dogs and beer everywhere, and people being taught to line dance. I wish hip hop was the American stereotype, but sadly it's country music. These events probably made my dad feel better, but after watching yet another dance team from Ohio, I began to question our culture altogether. One year, however, I was not disappointed. It started to thunderstorm and lightning struck the fireworks. They all went off at once. Tight.
That was about 4 or 5 years ago so I'm pretty sure this event got discontinued after that.
I must confess I did experience 4th of July as a baby. I just don't remember it. AND one year a while back I was in America for Independence Day, but I had food poisoning so I don't think that counts.
Lucky me, I get to have my first end-all cultural experience in New York City. LOOK OUT! I'm gonna paint this town red, white and blue. And maybe a little bit of puke green.
Vegan hot dogs and beer for breakfast. For the next three days.
You can keep track of it via live video streaming on USTREAM!
Just kidding.
