Home Sweet...WTF

i've never been at my new house in scottsville for an entire 24 hours before. i've now been here since wednesday afternoon. i had no idea a one-restaurant/one-gas station town could be so unusual and action-packed.

let's start with thanksgiving.

there's me and the leopard lovers (my parents).

greg's sister, rita, and her husband gordon were also here. i've never known two people over the age of 4 to be so helpless and inquisitive.

then there's inar. inar drove a taxi cab until he was 40 and then decided to take the LSAT's just for kicks out of the blue.

he aced them and now lives in a penthouse in arlington.

then there's juba and his wife chris. juba is a schizophrenic who thinks there are spies living in his teeth and can wittle an exact replica of your face in under ten minutes. they have an extravagant garden, and like to make very interesting concoctions such as goat cheese + butternut squash casserole. which is spectacular.

then there's joey vegas, who is the lead guitarist in the band "The Seedz" (coming soon to the pub in harrisonburg). he just stopped by for pie.

then there's chris KYLE and his girlfriend, jen, who makes herbal remedies and tonics. she gave me a wine bottle full of an herbal tea that i'm supposed to take a shot of three times a day.

apparently some guy named river stopped by, but i did not have the pleasure.

there was much shouting and absurdity throughout the meal.

today was black friday. the seedz were playing a set at the one restaurant/bar in town called 330. greg stepped in for bass. they sounded great, actually. this is my plug to get all you youngfolks to the pub.

but...

the PEOPLE in scottsville. are insane. our thanksgiving meal was just a taste of the eclectic mix of hillbillies and the clinically insane that comprise this small town.

a few examples of WTF are:

john grisham is apparently my neighbor.

dave matthews has a vineyard a block away. and everyone hates him here because he doesn't tip and steals coffee from the gas station.

a woman at the end of the road claimed she was related to anastasia (yeah...the princess) until she died. turns out she was wrong.

the only black guy in town (eddie) was in tina turner's band. and he is the shit. he was at the bar tonight, too.

now...let's talk about the bar. it is heavily populated by people in head to toe camouflage. there is also an elderly home down the street. the old biddies love to come and dance. one of them, margaret, insisted that the lead singer of the band dance with her. and boy, she held on tight. apparently she once mistook my stepdad for elvis. and apparently my parents then invited her to see cirque du soleil with them.

overwhelmed by mullets and outdated clothing, i go to the bathroom. i find a pair of glasses and turn them in to the bartender who says, "i know who THESE belong to..."

i find my mom. apparently some women was hitting on greg while i was gone and greg told her about my mom. so this lady, named cheryl, comes over and drunkenly tries to decide which blonde is the elizabeth greg referred to. her options are me and my mom.

she could not figure out which one of us would logically be married to a 55 year old man.

so i point her in the right direction.

she starts apologizing profusely. the awkward levels were off the chart, so i pretended to make a phone call outside (my phone was dead). when i return, i see cheryl grinding on an 80 year old man. cheryl is wearing mardi gras beads (which she earned) and a tanktop showing off her impressive potbelly. she is also sporting a tramp stamp.

"hi, my name is cheryl, and i'm an alcoholic."

then the bartender comes over and gives my mom her phone that greg left somewhere.

guess who returned the phone? cheryl. so i guess we are even steven now.

the seedz have been playing this whole time. a man is sitting on the edge of the stage and my mom tells me that he was in bill clinton's secret service personnel and only has weeks to live.

next, we meet chris. he's the new bouncer for the 330. he tells us he has a collection of antique tractors.

one hundred and sixty antique tractors.

before i know it, i'm taking a shot of my herbal remedy and getting ready to head home. as i'm grabbing my things, i hear the seedz dedicate the next song to The Titanium Woman (who is indeed a real woman made mostly of metal due to a tragic horseback riding accident).

then i headed on home.

Pan Loco

today i received a coupon for free crazy bread with crazy sauce.

whatever that means.

mostly i was weirded out because it was pretty obvious i was trying to avoid the coupon giver, but she came right at me. crazy bread makes ya crazy.

also a few good harrisonburg license plates to mention (sorry for no pictures):

PDIDDY

JLO VAN

i think i like JLO VAN the best because two ancient ladies were driving it. they weren't even latina.

get ready to see an article on biddiewatch in the breeze when school commences again!

i'm putting this on here so my dad can see it haha

Needs More Eggnog

the other night i went to ham's after the note-oriety concert with lisa and emma. we were wearing our black dresses, bedroom slippers and flannel shirts because we forgot to bring coats. while eating a cookie skillet, a guy came to our table and sat next to me. he was trying to win a bet with his buddies that he would sit at our table for over a minute. i knew this would be a good blog post.

but it turns out it isn't because he was pretty boring.

his name was alex, goes to uva, and he was drunk. oh and his major is P.E. (that's what he said), which is physical education, because it's the easiest major offered at the university. he doesn't even like children.

then he wanted us to join his table.

i would have if he had been either more drunk or more interesting.

we left.

Mankind Mayhem

well, writing about my parents is slightly more difficult now that my mom is reading this. hey mom!

but i would just like to casually mention that my mother was a pimp for halloween. i wish more than anything that i could post a picture of this.

thought i'd write tonight because i realized i had a very bizarre experience earlier.

i was entering burrus hall for a riveting biological anthropology class. there were a lot of people around, which was weird. and in the entryway there was a folding table set up with two girls behind it. one of them asked me if i would like to sign up. sign up for what? i ask.

"uh...i don't...know."

i swear the girl got abducted by aliens between those two sentences. her eyes went blank and she looked shocked that i would ask. the other girl complimented my scarf. then, in a fit of awkwardness, i booked it into my classroom. when i came out they and the table were gone.

then later, on my way to buffalo wild wings (for all you acronym-happy folk, "bdubs"), i saw about 50 people dressed in eighties clothing or wrapped in saran wrap running across south main three times and then huddling on the quad.

so, ya know.

Halloween?

well, halloween weekend was really not as badass as one would expect. but some people were still dressed to impressed...weeks before the actual holiday.

i would say kroger is the number one destination for weirdness this halloween season. there you can not only find crazy old folks that refuse to buy baked goods (when you're that old, does it even matter anymore?), but crazy other people as well.

i would like to give an honorable mention to the twenty-something of ambiguous gender dressed as a jester. keep in mind halloween weekend was a week away at the time...and it was a member of a family group of sorts, among which no one else was dressed up. it reminded me of a child refusing to take off their batman costume.

the runner-up of the past couple of weeks would be the couple emerging out of the forest on reservoir road. not on halloween. but on a road. then they started running in the other direction - probably back into the magical world from whence they came. planet earth is not ready for princess peach and the joker to be a couple.

and now the moment you've all been waiting for: the best dressed of october 2009.

note: the fabulous legs...the accessories...the...masculinity?

the best part about everything below is that this was NOT a costume. he was way too good at walking in heels. he was struttin' his stuff like nobody's business in harrisonburg's most conservative grocer (kroger). one must wonder how many old people bit the dust in the frozen food section that day. "them newfangled crossdressers..."

talent is wasted on our podunk town.