This One Time

i have three midterms next week. which is weird for a few reasons, but mostly i'm about to be a senior?!

anywho. we are stuck here, in midtermland. have you ever thought to yourself, "i wonder what people in switzerland have to do for school this week?" - i haven't either. however, both of my little sisters live there and attend school. not to mention that my dad teaches there.

are they having midterms? no. why? because every student in switzerland gets next week off of school. why? so that everyone can go skiing.

yes, that's right. in addition to traditional breaks, there is a designated ski break for all the swisses. which brings me to an old tale of my youth, involving swiss mountains and school breaks. how convenient.

*FLASHBACK*

i am fifteen. i have been skiing since the age of two, although it has not merited much skill. regardless, my dad went semi-pro and insisted upon forcing this passion upon me. so around christmas time, we head into the mountains with our friend lasse and chains on the tires. upon arrival, we hit the bunny slopes. i feel great! and man, do i look good. so fast! so sleek! so...my dad is bored. i see an appealing intermediate slope and we head for the skilift. it is unlike any skilift i've ever encountered - you sit on a little suspended stool and keep your skis on the ground as you slide up. obviously, i immediately fall off and they shut the entire thing down. as a french man yells at me, my dad and i run away.

dad: i'm sure we can just take THIS skilift up and ski down a little to get there.

said skilift was actually a skipod. 20 could fit in each pod, like miniature london eyes. as we ascend, i notice the temperature drop and the sky turn white. when we exit, my immediate view presents me with bright blankness. we are at the very top of the mountains, above the clouds. no visibility of the ground below.

this is great - i'm sure my mediocre skiing ability has me amply prepared for the black diamond slopes.

dad: ok, so i'll meet you at the bottom of this slope? i'm going to hit that really complicated and dangerous slope. you go down here - see ya!

...

RIGHT.

okay, so this isn't so bad. i'm the slowest person, but i'm moving! oh wait, here comes a turn. oh wait, there is no guardrail. i am faced with falling off a cliff into a CLOUD or hitting the side of a mountain. solution? sitting on my butt and sliding down. over the next half an hour, i am offered help in four different languages.

i get to the bottom and stand up. hey dad. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING DUDE?! we need to leave. this is awful. i can't ski worth crap and i wasn't planning on falling off a mountain today.

dad: that ski lift is only up this mountain a little, let's go.

dad and i walk up the mountain with our skis still on. this proves to be extremely difficult, but we make it. oh thank goodness!

operator: i am le sorry, this ski lift is now closed. perhaps you can try zat one down there?

DOWN THERE?! we just walked up here! at this point i will do anything. we ski down.

operator 2: oh i am SO le sorry, we are also closed now! just ski down!

we leave the ski lift pagoda. i yell at dad. i have no choice but to continue down black death diamond.

as soon as a plan had been formulated, the sky shifts. the sun is setting. the sun is going down while we are on top of a mountain. it gets cold and a cloud passes through us. completely alone, left up here to die, all because i can't ride a skilift without adult supervision.

dad calls lasse. lasse calls the red cross. they are coming to save us! for now i will lay on this soft icy patch. there they are! snowmobiles cutting across the slopes, surely coming to save us from imminent doom!

we wave and shout. they don't see us. they continue on in another direction.

is this what heaven looks like? we are in the cloud, no cell phone service.

is that whistling?

out of the cloud comes a lumberjack. oh yes, i am definitely not on planet earth anymore. i wonder if he has any pancakes? he is pulling a toboggan, that must be the case!

after a brief french exchange between dad and lumberjack, i come to discover that this man is the red cross. this one red plaid-clad mountain man is our saviour. he wraps me in a straight jacket of sorts and i am put in the toboggan and wrapped up. he asks dad if dad can ski down.

dad: i am a pro.

as i am racing down a mountain in a sled being pulled by al from Tool Time, i hear my dad fall many times. sweet revenge.

they give me hot chocolate. i am alive. i sign a form saying that the red cross is the best colored cross around.

we go home.