Twitter is Stupid

More things that are real that shouldn’t be:

I bring you Juicy Juice Brain Development.

http://www.juicyjuice.com/Products/Brain-Development.aspx

"Her brain will triple in size by the time she's two."

a. ?!?!?!

b. apparently only works on female babies...

i sense sexism.

c. THIS IS JUST NOT OKAY. i do not want my child to have an unusually large brain. she will look deformed and may or may not explode at an early age. where are the warnings for this product?

d. what happened to the days where i at LEAST felt safe around juicy juice...is nothing sacred?

e. i seem to remember the wrinkliness of your brain being more important than the size. but i could have fabricated that years ago.

So, I’m channel surfing during commercial break and stop on a CW drama crap-type show.  I’m not really paying attention until all of a sudden they look really scared.  Pan to the elevator.  THERE IS A DEMON INSIDE IT.  A really fake looking, angry demon.  It is tearing apart the elevator.  I am laughing too hard to hear the dialogue, so I’m still really confused.  And impressed.  Because the demon is now climbing up the elevator shaft.  But I wonder...why was he ignoring the two very easy targets only a hallway away?

I had to watch Glee, so I dunno what else happened.  But that’s two solid minutes of quality television for my day.

And now, picture of the week:

I always find that the best place to floss is in the middle of the street.

What I meant is that I always find floss on the middle of the street.

Josh just walked in. “Can I use your oven?”

Hello to you, too.

So I dropped my french class, to popular acclaim and picked up health. Online. So far everything in the syllabus is elsewhere contradicted, so I never know what I’m supposed to be doing. But all of this is entirely made up for by the textbook.

Let me give you a little taste, via the first sentence:

“Interested in improving your health? Concerned about the water you drink, the food you eat, or catching SARS?”

...

Why yes, I am VERY concerned.

My other class is equal mix of dissatisfaction and moments-that-are-worth-it.

The good:

My teacher is rather old and somewhat senile.  He thinks that a “modern-day” example of an inductive reasoning is about pokemon cards.  He was really happy about it.

Also, our syllabus is about “reaching for our dreams, and achieving new goals”. Via math. Which is impossible.

The bad:

Everything we do is boring beyond all get-out.

The ugly:

My teacher has absolutely no idea what he is doing.  One of the most clueless teachers I have ever had.  Today we spent 40 minutes while he dug himself into a hole with an easy problem.  We had to take a break so that he could try to figure it out...again.  I stayed after class to try to understand a hw problem that made no sense AND was based off of something we’ve never learned.  He did not know the answer and spent fifteen minutes reading MY textbook trying to understand any part of what was going on.

My question is: How am I supposed to pass any test? Also, why should I even pass if my teacher can’t do any of these problems? We'll find out tomorrow...

ps - i apologize for the use of capitalization in this post. it's not really my style, but i typed this in word last night...

nerd alert.

Welcome Back

ah, the wonders of walmart...

there's nothing i like more than $1 heads of lettuce, that's for sure. but what i like only a little bit less is people-watching at this bargain mecca.

seen today:

hillbilly couple, complete with deer hunting t-shirts.

question: are these t-shirts expensive? if someone sees one, would you mind buying it for me? actually, THAT is the real question. where can i purchase the stylings of a typical harrisonburg townie?

back to the story.

they were buying a great amount of wonderbread. and yelling at their child for trying to sneak oreos onto the belt-thingy. why? "you already got jerky, you spoiled brat!"

jerky isn't something i picture when i think of recommended foods for children.

if i had noticed the gorgeous black man working register 19, i would have missed this satisfying escapade.

meanwhile, only a shopping center away, i was missing out on the following:

now THAT is the deal of a lifetime. not only am i getting two pretzels for a dollar, but said pretzels are disguised as hot sauce!!!

Some Consideration

things that are real that should not be:

1. http://www.crayola.com/products/splash/outdoor/3dchalk.cfm

3D chalk.

if you've seen the commercial, you probably thought you were high. sailboats and butterflies are flying around children wearing 3D glasses. obviously, i needed to know if this was real. i had my doubts, but knew that if it was unsuccessful i at least had a day of drunken glory ahead of me.

it is the most real thing ever.

literally, everything pops out at you and you want to just put your hand underneath it. but you can't. unlike magic eye, chalk does not propel you into another dimension.

i drew murals with friends for a good hour just because it looked so sweet. we realized that playing with chalk is really kindof hard work...you bend over at awkward angles and scrub at the sidewalk. in the process, you turn your hands a combination of pastel colors that you can either deal with until a sink is found or rub all over yourself...making your clothes the same attractive shades.

verdict: my children will play with chalk. they will end up exhausted. and all i have to do is hose them off or whatever.

2. Dance Your Ass Off

premieres monday june 25th.

i cannot really explain this. it is a new show on oxygen that is a hybrid of the biggest loser and dancing with the stars. so...they put fat people in crazy outfits made of mesh and sparkles and make them jiggle what they've got for the world to see. they look happy now...but they won't be when they see themselves. i refuse to believe that this show's purpose is healthy weightloss when all i can see is overweight people looking absolutely ridiculous. catchphrases like "drop the milkshake and shake what your momma gave you" further confirm this.

i know i won't be able to watch this because it is probably hilarious. and i'm trying to maintain my belief that this is wrong.

more later.

My Beezy

it has been a while since i've biddiewatched. but, school was kindof ending or whatever so...

yup.

you know it's the last week of school when:

we only have time for one party...and we definitely don't have time to clean up afterward.

(above picture taken four days later).

even shoes are trying to hide from exams.

(as seen in the computer lab at east campus library).

campus vending machines are giving it up [for free] to relieve stress.

(thank you to the breezeway and the magical JAC of Briana Marcantoni).

there's no time to risk getting the swine flu, as awesome as school getting closed would be.

(note: toilet paper and paper towels were used in such magnitude that i couldn't pee in the library for days).

I Went Grocery Shopping

friday:

i went to the smokin' pig, which was the best choice ever. when i went back in to buy more fried pickles, they gave me a free meal. so that was awesome.

then i had to go to the dance concert. what occurred there cannot be described in words. just know that i was trying so hard to stifle laughter that the girl in front of me (who was black-out) was hitting my leg repeatedly because she was trying to comfort me. said hitting was really loud and inappropriate.

then i came home and grabbed my medicine from the backseat. i came inside and set everything down. then i could not find my medicine. i spent two hours looking for it, instead of just giving up.

during the hunt, i spent some time retracing my steps from the car. i saw something on the lawn. i picked it up. it was a pair of underwear.

...

a pair of MY underwear.

how did it get there? i've never had that pair anywhere other than on my person or in my drawer (or the laundry). truly baffling.

today (monday):

other than my car getting wrecked, it was a pretty good day.

meghan was kind enough to take me to walmart. which is always an experience. but the very best part was seeing this woman shove her child aside forcefully with a determined look in her eye. as the child was midair, the woman walked with a purpose toward the freezer door.

it was the cool whip section.

i love good parenting in action.

then on the way to my house, we saw a young man run into the street and sit on the hood of someone's car. they drove him to his destination.

how very kind.

Realization

today i noted something about the status of our pantry. usually, my shelf is the most full. no longer.
the only things i have to eat are as following:
chocolate covered cashews
popcorn
three cans of butternut squash soup
peanut butter
hot chocolate mix
4 different kinds of cheese

and that is it. i would appreciate it if anyone had a suggestion as to what i could make with the aforementioned ingredients.

lately i've been doing homework. today i attempted music theory. it was a workbook assignment with three different pages.
i turned to the first page...it was ripped out. i thought that was kinda weird.
i turned to the second...also ripped out.
the third...you guessed it.
the strange thing about this is that i bought this workbook brand new in a plastic wrapper. i do not use it. i do not go to class. so i ask you - where are these pages? did a future version of myself time travel back here to retrieve them? if so, why?
and ONLY those pages are missing.

whenever i need something to write about, all i need to do is go to my physics class.
yesterday:
we spent ten minutes trying to discern where in the equation our teacher messed up. this is a previously-prepared powerpoint, mind you. he enlisted our help because he himself could not locate the error.
by the time we found it, i was way too lost to even know what the answer meant.
after that tirade, we continued talking about science-y things. until all of a sudden, captain crunch decides to talk about fate and destiny. and its metaphorical relationship to light particles. which haven't even been proven to exist.
this information is not test-friendly. our pre-destined future cannot be questioned via multiple-choice.
all the while, my car was being flooded by the everpresent hurricane harrisonburg. i left the sunroof open in the hopes that the sun would shine. it went poorly for all involved.

To Be Continued...

i will need a long post to describe the happenings of this weekend, particularly the [not so] holy matrimony of the leopard lovers.

but for now i leave you with this -

i was just writing an e-mail saying "next tuesday is great!". as soon as i had finished the word tuesday, one of those error boxes came up. you know, the ones that are like "are you sure you want to navigate away from this page? data will be lost."

except this one said:

"You have perfect spelling."

...that's it.

i do not know from whence this message came. or why. aol mail is truly not that sophisticated. in addition to the fact that "tuesday" is not the most impressive word i can spell. why then? why at all? and more importantly...

HOW?

cyberspace is officially hitting on me.